i need a whole life makeover *long*
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|Fri, 01-28-2005 - 10:08am|
i need a whole life makeover, and i need someone's help!
here's my stats:
27 years old
single mom with 3 kids
169lbs. (i lost 55 pounds, i used to be 224lbs)
i used to be the girl that rolled out of bed, into the shower and did the full face of makeup and did my hair. now i can only be bothered to shave my legs once a week, if that.
and it's not because i am a mom of 3 kids, i only have them half the week due to joint custody, and i only work 3 days a week (i'm a nurse, i work 3 12-hour shifts) i have plenty of time. i just don't give a crap about my life anymore since he left me. i have gotten over my depression, i'm just lonely.
my house smells like a combination of stale cigarette smoke and old garbage. i have on hand me down clothes that don't match and i've been wiping my runny nose on my long sleeve shirt for the past 2 days, like i am a 4 year old. this particular outfit has been on for 3 days non stop, i've even slept in it. i feel fat and ugly. i AM fat and ugly. i have a unibrow (ha ha) and a lovely moustache courtesy of my italian genes!! when my husband first met me, he used to tell me how beautiful i was every single day. sometimes several times a day. now he tells me i'm disgusting. yes i know it's not right, we have a long and complicated history together, but i'm just stating the facts. he misses the old me. i miss the old me. i live in the ghetto and i just don't care anymore. i have begun to speak "ghetto" or street slang, whatever you call it. my husband says i speak as if i'm uneducated, which i'm very educated, actually. my kids can't stand that i smoke, they can't stand the messes i leave in the house, etc.
i guess i just need a buddy or whatever for some support. someone to be accountable to. i don't know. i'm just venting, which is easier to do with strangers then friends. all my friends say to get rid of the husband, which i can't. and they all say how pretty i am and how much weight i've lost. i know i've lost weight. i need someone to give me a good kick in the butt. i need to learn how to be nice to people. i need to learn how to put others first, i need to do things for people without trying to get something for myself. that's me, i am basically a rotten person. i never do anything nice for anyone, just to be nice. i always have a hidden motive. i just feel like i honestly wouldn't even be my own friend. i owe all of my friends money, i burden all of my friends with my constant whining about this. i feel the world revolves around me, that i am better then everyone. like why should I have to wait in line at walmart, don't you know who I am?? in reality, i know i'm a nobody. i'm tired of being me. i hate me.