Haven't written in a while... C/p

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Haven't written in a while... C/p
4
Sun, 02-06-2011 - 12:00am

I haven't written in a while so this is probably a bit choppy!

Altruism is not blood veiled curtains

Enrobing valances above a mahogany carved boudoir

Filled with lush mauve carpeting and golden sconces bathing

A single room in cinnamon light like honey skin and deep breaths.

Simple is not hips with bones cutting through in perfect lust

It is not wanting of warmth and faces swathed in maroon gauze,

Peeking out lasciviously with lips clenched back behind tongues finding

Dead cells upon another’s.

I am not your kiss, gentle ambitious without love.

Avatar for amexia2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 02-06-2011 - 1:03pm

You have some very cool descriptors in here - blood veiled, mahogany, crushed velour, Arabic tile. At first glance, I wondered if there were maybe a few too many cool descriptors and if they'd take away from the point of the writing. But on second read, I don't think so... I think they're fine. Delicious really.

As for the line breaks - I'm so not a reliable source on line breaks as I would absolutely prose this if it were mine. I think there does need to be some work done with the line breaks but see what others say about them.

Love, love these lines:

"Simple is not hips with bones cutting through in perfect lust"

"I am not your kiss, gentle ambitious without love."

Oh, yes indeed.

-S

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-1999
Sun, 02-06-2011 - 8:19pm

Your descriptions are rich!

"It is with a strange malice / That I distort the world." -- from The Weeping Burgher by Wallace Stevens
Avatar for kristi_l22
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-08-2011 - 8:39pm
I loved this. It was like one long treat for the senses. I like Pat's suggestion...reading it this way allowed me to slow down and savor the poem a I read it...beautiful piece! Kristi
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2000
Wed, 02-09-2011 - 9:35am

I like the original, butr Pat's prose version lets me appreciate it even more.