Lighthouse Keepers Child- PC

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2002
Lighthouse Keepers Child- PC
2
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 4:38pm

 


THE LIGHTHOUSE KEEPERS CHILD


Great brass lantern
filled with amber fuel.
Hung in towering nest,
warned ships of dangers
from far aloft,
turning glad hearts toward home.
Young girl stands among
jagged rocks,
hair wild blown in wind.
Awaits with joy for one she knows,
on desolate inlet bay.
She waits in vain now,
folk do say,
since the fateful day
when tragic tale
tore heart asunder
leaving empty shell.
She walks alone on wind
burned reef,
a haunted shadowed wraith.
For not is left of the keepers child,
but ghost of blackened shade.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2000
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 4:45pm

Hi Deborah,

Your poem sounds like a song or introduction to a grim gothic tale.

I have a few comments:

Should the first two sentences be combined into one?

I notice that you don't use many articles. For me, it's distracting to read "Young girl" instead of "A young girl", and "tore heart asunder, leaving empty shell" instead of "tore her heart asunder, leaving an empty shell", etc.,but that's just my preference.

When I read first read this, I thought you said "when tragic fate" instead of "tragic tale". Is that what you meant?

In the second-to-last line, do you mean,"naught is left" instead of "not is left"?

I enjoyed this poem, and if you decide to revise it I'd love to see what you do. If you don't want to change anything, I'll still like it.

Congratulations for getting through the ivillage posting maze!

Roberta

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Sun, 05-26-2013 - 10:50am

Hi Deborah

The title especially grabbed me--the loneliness, mystery, night, crashing waves all created a context I started reading.

I loved the preciseness of your vocabulary, and the visual details. I have to agree with Roberta, though, about the pared-down language. I felt at times that what I was reading was a series of headliines, and it kept the poem from flowing. Some phrases like "folks do say"--so ballad-like--made me think you wanted it to flow.

Thanks for posting this!

Jackie