Motorbike Taxi c/p please

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Motorbike Taxi c/p please
4
Tue, 04-09-2013 - 6:34pm

This is a rewrite--hope it's more understandable this time. 

Motorbike Taxi

 

I see your hope there at the curb.

Through taxi, van, car, police, and push cart,

your wish strikes me

like an eye flash

 

and I'm here

and you come as if

long ago someone stooped for you;

someone used to turn his back

so you could climb on board.

My shoulders brace.

Your palms will slide away

and you'll exhale,

but when I fade

is when we go.

If at first rev we're shadows still, I'll need to take control.

But we're transformed!

You sit down and we turn clear--

disappear into the air--

we'll travel like we're one.

 

The currents draw us,

the streams that no one sees.

We flow in routes that have no lines

reverse retrace regroup rejoin,

circling clockwise into springs.

Cars move, they stop, it's one to us;

guards point

they halt

we glide on by

 

until (for we can't fly)

some surface smoothness

or rough gravel

sends us wide. Until we crash and

then we're back to real,

 

material,

 

you there on the curb,

and me beginning

my appeal.

Jackie, © 2013

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-1999
Thu, 04-11-2013 - 10:35am

I really have to dig to find ANYTHING that's even slightly questionable about this poem.  Here's what I come up with:

until (for we can't fly)

some surface smoothness

or rough gravel

sends us wide. Until we crash and

then we're back to real,

I would omit the parentheses and go:

until—for we can't fly—

some surface smoothness

or rough gravel

sends us wide. Until we crash and

then we're back to real,

No real reason, simply a personel preference.  And what the heck did they do with our Spell Check?!!

"It is with a strange malice / That I distort the world." -- from The Weeping Burgher by Wallace Stevens
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2000
Fri, 04-12-2013 - 5:12pm

Hi Jackie,

I feel the ride, and it's lots of fun, until "we're back to real".

I like Pat's suggestion, and the only other suggestion I can make is to consider saying "a slick surface" instead of  "some surface smoothness". If a smooth surface sends us wide, we must have been riding on a rough surface, but rough gravel also can send us wide, so I thought that you might mean a slick surface.

But I'll love the poem if you change it or leave it as is.

Roberta

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Sat, 04-13-2013 - 6:07am

So true about the surfaces, Roberta, thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Sat, 04-13-2013 - 6:14am

Thank you, Pat. I agree with the dashes. They seem to maintain the flow better than parentheses. 

Funny how I'm not feeling poetic. I'm trying to get myself back into it by reading poetry and reading Pinsky's The Sounds of Poetry and writing--however! Kind of like doing exercises to get back into shape after months of being inactive.