New poem - finally! c/p please

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2000
New poem - finally! c/p please
7
Tue, 02-26-2013 - 3:56pm

A poem snuck up on me when I wasn't looking. The rabbi asked me to find something in the library for a woman who wanted to learn but doesn't have a computer or enough time or concentration for some of the resources usually suggested.

I found a few books in our library (I'm the librarian) that I thought might help, and left a note on the desk that wouldn't identify her if someone else saw it.

Off the top of my head, I wrote:

For the hungry student with the narrow neck

who can only take small bites

but wants to taste all the food at the banquet.

I refined or ruined it by revising it to this:

Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}

The hungry student with a narrow neck

wants to taste everything  at the banquet

but can only take small bites;

she has an unquenchable thirst

but would drown from a deep draught of spring water.

She samples tasty tidbits;

she sips and savours.

Suggestions?

Roberta

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Tue, 02-26-2013 - 4:49pm

Ah, Roberta, are we really back in business? I would be so happy!

It's such a blessing to be so hungry, throughout your life. I feel that you praise it here as much as I feel it in my own conviction. (And I'm delighted to see you are a librarian!)  I'd only ask you to consider whether every adjective you have used is necessary. Do tidbits have to be tasty, and aren't bites usually small? My dictionary tells me a draught/draft is a gulp of anything--can you deepen a gulp?

Just a thought.

I'll post too, soon.

Jackie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2000
Wed, 02-27-2013 - 11:41am

Hi Jackie,

Thanks very, very, very, very much for your comments about the unnecessary, overused, redundant, overly-descriptive adjectives.

You're right.  When I wrote "tasty tidbits" I was thinking:

Tidbits don't have to be tasty, but when someone is becoming aquainted with a new area of knowledge, a bitter or sour tidbit could keep her from sampling further. Better to start with tasty bits that whet the appetite for more. Then, when she has more of a background, she can appreciate the challenge of digesting bits that are harder to swallow. But the adjectives get in the way of the poem, so I'll try to revise it.

Now to exercise my unused poetry muscles some more!

Roberta

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2000
Thu, 02-28-2013 - 4:22pm

Revision #1 Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}

The hungry student with a narrow neck

can only swallow small bites

but  wants to taste everything

at the banquet.

She is thirsty but  can only moisten her throat

She savours each morsel, each sip,

and grows stronger but never satiated.

Comments?

Roberta

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2000
Sun, 03-03-2013 - 10:18am

CL Pat or CM Bren: HELP!!!!!

Why do my posts have all that junk beginning with "normal 0-false-false...minor latin" before the texts of my poems? I can't even edit it out! When I eventually do get the "edit" option, I see my original post without the junk. When I go back to this thread on the board the junk is still in the posts.

Is the problem that I'm copying the poem from Word? If ivillage won't let us copy and post from Word or a similar text editor, you might as well eliminate all writing boards.

Roberta

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2000
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 5:36pm

Revision 2: Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}

The hungry student with a narrow neck

can only swallow small bites

but  wants to taste everything

at the banquet.

She dines discerningly,

savouring the layered tastes of each morsel.


Roberta

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2000
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 6:19pm

Rewrite #3 - and an experiment:

#3

The hungry student with a narrow neck

wants to taste everything at the banquet

but can only take delicate bites

so she nibbles from the patchwork of textures,

and savours the layered flavours of each morsel.

Comments and critiques welcome.

I hope the new formatting option ivillage has added works.

Roberta

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2000
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 6:24pm

Hurray! I selected the new, or reintroduced, icon at the right of the format bar at the top, and was able to paste a poem copied from my Word document without all the strange formatting gobbldygook showing up.

Thanks, ivillage!

Roberta