"Paladin" c/p

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-1999
"Paladin" c/p
10
Sat, 04-06-2013 - 9:40am

I know, I know; it took me two log-in's to get here, but I so miss this place.  Let's give it one last good try.  Poetry, anyone?

Paladin

She threw back her head in prayer
opened her mouth wide
and swallowed all the songbirds
that came to her willingly.

When she spat them back out,
stars formed, then spewed back
baffled humans
that became people who knelt on the tips of her braids

Five of those devils started a circus,
painting their faces with blueberries and chestnuts.
They circled her, riding on malnourished speculation;
they trained her to riddle, fed her granular questions.

After the first three steps on the high-wire, she remembered no more.


© 2013

"It is with a strange malice / That I distort the world." -- from The Weeping Burgher by Wallace Stevens
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Sun, 04-07-2013 - 9:22am

Pat, I need a hint to understand this! I see the paladin were holy warriors. . .

One question: do you mean stars formed AND spewed back, or stars formed, then SHE spewed back?

Jackie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-1999
Sun, 04-07-2013 - 11:55am
The stars spewed. Do you think "and" works better than "then"? I'm thinking time progression: first they formed, then they spewed. Board?
"It is with a strange malice / That I distort the world." -- from The Weeping Burgher by Wallace Stevens
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-1999
Sun, 04-07-2013 - 12:16pm
I like "then" at the place in question; however, I would use "and" in place of the second "they," to avoid repitition, unless you have a stylistic reason to use "they" twice in close proximity?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Sun, 04-07-2013 - 12:18pm

How about just deleting the comma: "stars formed then. . ."  That might make it evident that formed and spewed both refer to stars.

Funny thing about this site: if you enter the wrong password they say that's not the correct password. If you enter the right password, they say you're not authorized to participate. Hmmmm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-1999
Sun, 04-07-2013 - 9:54pm
Agreed. TY, Jewels!
"It is with a strange malice / That I distort the world." -- from The Weeping Burgher by Wallace Stevens
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-1999
Sun, 04-07-2013 - 9:59pm

That's it ... thanks, Jackie.  And there is nothing funny about these boards.  Using them is beyond frustrating.  We're adjusted to the simplicity and speed of FB groups; iVillage needs to keep up with the newer social networking sites.

 

"It is with a strange malice / That I distort the world." -- from The Weeping Burgher by Wallace Stevens
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2000
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 12:42pm

Hi Pat,

In st.2, I like Jackie's idea of eliminating the comma after "back out". I'm wondering about the last two lines, about the "baffled humans that became people". First of all, shouldn't the baffled humans be a "who" instead of a "that" - maybe that's why they're baffled.

Next, whenever I see "humans" in that context I usually think that the writer was eally thinking "men" or "women" and didn't want to be gender-specific so he or she used "humans" - like "humankind", etc.  I'm baffled by the image of humans becoming people. Not so much by the thought of people becoming more human, by,for example,appreciating poetry.

Roberta

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Tue, 04-09-2013 - 8:26am

I'm guessing that She is recalling a dream. The highlight of this dream is her participation in the creation of people. People, though, turn out to be of such questionable significance, and engaging with them turns out to be so risky, that she wakes up. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Tue, 04-09-2013 - 8:28am
"Maybe that's why they're baffled" (AAAGGGGHHH! Where are the giggly faces on this thing?) Anyway, I enjoyed this line!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-1999
Tue, 04-09-2013 - 3:58pm

Grrrr -- I didn't want two whos on the same line, so I went with "that," but it's not carved in stone.  No gender, lumps of clay evolving into circus folks ... or plain ol' monstrosities.  Jackie's correct again, I was thinking Dawn of Creation, wondering if our Supreme Being regrets creating mankind.

 

"It is with a strange malice / That I distort the world." -- from The Weeping Burgher by Wallace Stevens