Wow.....just..... wow.

Avatar for caraleas
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-1997
Wow.....just..... wow.
11
Wed, 02-06-2013 - 12:34am

Want to hear something totally bizarre and unbelieveable????

Today, in a hot pink envelope, Erick and I received a letter from my sister-in-law and brother-in-law. It was a typed letter. Addressed "Dear Family and Friends". Telling us that she (K) and M (Erick's brother) are getting divorced. It goes on and on about what a difficult decision it has been and how they have been struggling to make their marriage work for years, are saddened that they can't be what the other person needs, but are letting one another go, and stopping holding each other back. A paragraph about how love is still being friends after the divorce, and that they hope and expect to be friends forever. Signed "Love, M and K". Well, not signed, typed.

First of all, who the heck sends a form letter announcing to their brother, and (we found out when Erick called them) his sister and MOTHER, announcing their divorce? Other brother is a long-haul trucker, so of course he didn't get his letter yet.

Now, you need to know that they got married a couple years after we did, so they would be coming up on their 18 year anniversary in July. M  always wanted kids, and it became clear after they married that she really did not, despite the fact that she told him she did before they got married, and she kept setting artificial deadlines, like "we want to be married for 3 or 4 years, first" and then "we are thinking that 2000 is when we will start trying". To no more talk about it at all.  They have (together with my father-in-law, whom, by Erick's choice, I have not seen since M and K 's wedding) purchased three houses. FIL lives in a garage apartment on one of the properties and they rent the house. Their first house also has renters in it. They tried to sell it a few years back, but it needs a bunch of work to be up code so someone could get a loan on it. Their newest property (where they both, we thought, were living) is, from what I have heard, a couple steps from being featured on Hoarders. Erick's dad was emotionally/verbally abusive and neglectful, and my MIL finally divorced him shortly after Erick and I got married, but before M and K got married. MIL did not attend the wedding. FIL is not stable, and M and K  took on the burden of keeping an eye on him, along with talking him into helping them purchase all three houses. Their financial affairs are deeply entangled, and who knows what kind of shape they are in. I know that they were deep, deep in credit card debt at one point. Not sure if they ever dug out.

Erick's dad is not stable, and I would not have been able to cope with being the one to deal with him, so Erick and the other kids do not begrudge the financial benefits they may have gained  from being his keeper - they more than earned it in our eyes.

Thing is? Erick's sister has seen K out at a restaurant with another man - like a couple years ago - and K was clearly trying to pretend that she didn't see her. And K cheated on M before they were married. It is pretty clear that did not necessarily stop. Erick and I are theorizing that she has met someone she wants to hang on to, this time, and this precipitated their split.

Sadly, the family was (jokingly) taking bets on how long their marriage would last from the beginning, and when they made it past 15, we just figured that there was something deep and abiding that we just couldn't see, and if so, good for them. However, M was forever saying insulting things about her to the family - making fun of her (shallow, hypocritical and all-for-show) Bible-thumper stages, etc, and while K was never anything but polite and considerate to our faces, Erick's sister (who came out a couple years ago) told us she would always talk behind our backs. Really, K was much more personable the last couple years - she used to do stuff like bring her checkbook to our house on Christmas and sit in a corner paying bills. Recently she was much more social, seemed to be making an effort to connect. After reading the divorce letter, I wonder if that wasn't the result of the counseling they were going through. Guess she was making an effort.

Erick is not sure how to go about talking to his brother. What do you say to your brother after you learn he is getting divorced via form letter? Erick called his sister, assuming that she must already know (she talks to M a lot more often than Erick does), and said "so, I got a letter today" And when she didn't seem to know what he was talking about, he told her to go check the mailbox. She just laughed, because it is so a K kind of thing to do, but my MIL was PISSED (they share an apartment, so they found out together while Erick was on the phone). Then MIL got on the phone with trucker brother, so they were having a four way conversation, with the boys on two different phones and MIL and SIL in the room together. I am guessing it was a little chaotic.

I guess I don't really have a point, here. I am just trying to process the whole thing. If you made it this far, and understood my rambling, what do you think? I understand this being very hard news to break to your family and friends, but a FORM LETTER, for your MOTHER and your SIBLINGS? WTH?

I am just gobsmacked!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2008
Thu, 02-07-2013 - 9:46pm

WOW!!!! What a mess! Hope MIL,SIL, BIL all of the IL's I guess, I hope they get everything figured out with too much head ache, but I'm not seeing that happening. Good luck to them all!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-1999
Thu, 02-07-2013 - 7:27am
Oh my word.... what a big old mess of trouble! And yes... I can almost guarantee that is why the divorce was announced by newsletter.... he did not want the job of telling everyone in person and did not want to hear anyone's comments... negative or otherwise. I do hope he comes to his senses and realizes that he needs to take care of business! But still..... wow... you are right, it is pretty bizarre!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Thu, 02-07-2013 - 6:41am

The story just keeps growing and growing doesn't it Cara.  Has anyone spoken to your BIL yet to get his take on the whole thing and what if any plans he has for your FIL?  Sounds like your MIL was smart to get out of that mess.  She gets my vote for being one strong lady to just pull herself up by her boot straps and take care of herself and her son.  Next time you see her give her an extra hug from me even if she isn't a hugger.

One thing about the letter - at least the family didn't find out from an announcement onf FB!

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Avatar for caraleas
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-1997
Wed, 02-06-2013 - 10:32pm

Get THIS! 

Erick's sister called their dad about something unrelated, and it is clear he has no idea. She didn't tell him, but I wonder if there is a pink envelope sitting in his mailbox! The man is already paranoid about the government being out to get everyone (black helicopters and numerous other conspiracy theories), and frets and fusses and fumes whenever BIL and SIL spend money on anything, or job loss talk, etc, swearing up and down to everyone in earshot that he is going to wind up living under a bridge. MIL got practically nothing in the divorce - no alimony, no part of his pension, etc - half the value of their house (which was in such bad shape it wasn't worth much), and that was it. He gets disability and a pension from Lockheed Martin. She supported herself and youngest son on her hospital housekeepers wages when she left him....

Anyway.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-1998
Wed, 02-06-2013 - 3:36pm

That's a first.....never heard of announcing a divorce by letter. I sure hope Erick's brother hires an attorney to sort this out and not get screwed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-1999
Wed, 02-06-2013 - 12:10pm

OMG!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 02-06-2013 - 9:50am

I am with you Cara on hoping he pulls his head out of the sand before it is too late.  Could turn ugly.

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Avatar for caraleas
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-1997
Wed, 02-06-2013 - 9:05am

Yeah - my first thought was "well, at least there are no kids"... but I have thought that on and off throughout their disfunctional marriage. She really is a little crazy herself. House full of badly behaved cats and a bunch of birds in less-than-clean cages, apparently. They wanted to host Easter dinner a couple years a go, and Erick was trying hard to figure out how NOT to have to go. She is not a cook. Not at all, and M can grill, but that is about it, and Erick would have a very hard time with the far-from-sanitary conditions. She actually bailed because she didn't  have time to clean house - and pretty much said that to Erick's sister. We were all relieved.

You know the weird thing? She is actually pretty pleasent to be around on holidays, especially the last couple years. She is a teacher, so we had school stuff in common. And he is a good guy - fun to be around, same kind of quirky humor that Erick has.

As far as FIL, I am assuming he will continue to be M's problem. He is a classic middle child, just wants everyone to get along, pretend that bad stuff isn't happening. I am sure that is why the divorce announcement via form letter. He is probably hiding his head in the sand. I hope he has the sense to hire a good lawyer - he is going to be screwed if he just assumes that K will be fair, and with the properties and all their issues -it is going to be complicated. When MIL and FIL got divorced, my SIL had just graduated high school and moved in with her boyfriend to get away from her dad. MIL took youngest BIL and moved out in about 3 hours, taking almost nothing with her. She had never gotten a driver's license, so Erick and his sister went up and helped. Youngest BIL was 15 at the time. FIL has been M's problem ever since.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Wed, 02-06-2013 - 8:16am

Wow is right.  How do you not do that in person?  I just don't understand that.  Never could I write a letter like that.  That is one bizarre scenerio going on.  Paying bills at Christmas, huh?  Really?  Seems like she won't be missed much.

At least they won't have to drag kids through this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 02-06-2013 - 6:38am

WOW!  Just wow! Is about all I can say too Cara.  

I divorced my first husband after 8 years of marriage (he got the 7 year itch and there was no cure for it).  No way would I have not told my family in person and hexx no to sending out a letter.  That is very weird.  I can only imagine how upset your MIL and the rest of the family is over it.  I guess you can at least say they let everyone know and didn't just divorce and move on.  As far as still being in love with each otehr and still being "friends" - ya right.  Never have seen that one happen.

Oh and don't feel bad about the rambling - I read the whole thing with my jaw dropped open - LOL!  Thanks for waking me up this morning!

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