Hubby's mother is ruining my marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2013
Hubby's mother is ruining my marriage
4
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 1:28pm

I have been married for 14 months now and I am at wits end and don't know what to do. My husband's mother is causing so much stress between the two of us. She is just as nice as she can be but her constant suggestions of how we should do this and that and all her "help" is just too much. For instance, hubby got a speeding ticket a few months ago and I thought he should take care of it or at least let me do it but instead he gave all the information to his mother and she took care of it. We can't buy anything without getting her approval and if she doesn't like something then that's that. She calls three times a day and if I mention that I am going to cook something, she tries to tell me how to cook it. I find myself so resentful of his mother. He says I am jealous. Am I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2012
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 1:38pm

I'm going to speak honestly here, based strictly on what you've told us. Yes, your MIL is in your business maybe a little too much, but from what you've shared, I have to wonder if maybe your husband is a little hesitant to cut those apron strings. He chose to give the ticket info to his mom and have her handle it... why is that? Who says she has to approve purchases? Does your husband back off buying something he wants if his mother doesn't give her approval? She can actually only exercise power over the two if you if she's given that power. It might be time to talk honestly with your dh and tell him that while you understand that she may be trying to help, the two of you need to be in charge of your decisions. That's not jealousy; that's being adults. Wink

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2008
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 1:50pm

I am going to have to agree that it sounds like your husband isn't ready to cut the apron strings. The two of you need to have a frank talk about learning to trust and depend on each other. You say his mother is very nice to you. She may not realize how much she is involved in your marital decisions. Have you tried talking to her and airing your grievances?

You also may want to consider some couples counseling.

Brenda

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2012
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 1:51pm

One question... would your dh be the youngest sibling in his family? LOL The reason I ask is that my dh is... and it took his mother and I both to make him see that he needed to cut those apron strings, as the previous poster mentioned. Thankfully, I have a pretty awesome MIL and while she is always willing to give her opinion, she waits until she's asked. And she doesn't get ticked if we don't take her advice. But she's also wise enough to know that in marriage, a couple needs to learn to listen to one another, lean on one another and make decisions, even compromises, together as a team. Yeah, I got lucky with my guy and my in-laws!

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 5:36pm

The other posters have already hit the nail on the head.  

No, you are not jealous.  Yes, your MIL is too much into your business.  But who is allowing it?  Your DH.

My first MIL was similar in nature.  And it was always under the premise of being helpful.  "You can use these left overs to make my son his lunch."  Really?  Because I don't make my DH lunch.  No one makes my lunch!

I could go on for hours with the stories, but you get the gist.

I finally just lost it one day and freaked out.  Everything we did was based off MIL and my DH.  And she we would trick each of us into the thinking the other said it was okay.  We would get home and realize she manipulated the entire situation.  

I still look at things in my house, even years after my divorce from her DS, and I see how much she controlled my life back then.  

Point being, you really have to get on the same page with your DH, or should I say vice versa.  Your marriage has to come first.  Your DH has to see that and stand up, so-to-speak, to his mother.  And, start going to you for support.  (Of course, there are times we all need our mom, but a speeding ticket is NOT one of those times)

I would strongly suggest you start talking more honestly with your DH right away.  I have been divorced for years, and since I am the mother of xMIL only grandchild, I still have to fight it today.  I mean litterally, still today.  My DD has a birthday this weekend and she still tries to push her way in.  

Lastly, do be kind when talking to your DH.  You don't want to make it into right or wrong, good or bad.  You just really need to be the First Lady in your own house.

You may also find some support in some of the relationship and marriage boards.

Serenity