20 years old, finding myself in sobriety, days can be tough, id appreciate some advice :)

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Registered: 01-30-2013
20 years old, finding myself in sobriety, days can be tough, id appreciate some advice :)
4
Wed, 01-30-2013 - 3:19pm

i have only been clean for a week now. i am trying to do it right. i dont have any formal help, i have just done research on getting over drug addiction and depression. I have done pretty much every drug in the book, besides meth, i would never touch that, my dad is and has been a bad meth addict for years. my drugs of choice were xanax and dexedrine, before that heroine for years but i replaced it with the xanax, and took the dexedrine to stay awake during the day. i have also been smoking pot pretty much everyday since i was 12 and alcohol few times a week. sometimes binge drinking. but its all in the past.

since stopping all drugs and alcohol, my mind has been going crazy and i read somewhere that it is good to keep a journal, so i do that now to get out all of the craziness in my mind. i also did a exercise where i think of myself in my mind, not necessarily what i physically see, but what i view when i think of me as a whole, inside and out, its called a true self portrait.

id like to share my journal entries and the self portrait, and if anyone has advice i would realllllly love to hear it.

to you,
why are you not happy. lost. a circus, where is reality? what is real? is the circus what is real. I found hope in a borrowed angel, but god needed him more than i, i now know.... "you are handsome"-which part?

to you,
i ask myself what is real, what is me, what was i made for. the world paints a picture. full of color, full of life. i find myself simple. the world seems to know who i am, yet i dont. does one really know themselves or is it everyone else who knows?...... what is real?

to you,
scared. you tell yourself you are strong, invincible, survived the depths of emotion, yet can smile... interesting, where is the smile's origin?, real?, fake?, What is a "real smile"?-from emotion or intent?..... strong. is my name an accurate representation of you? you know that feeling, when the devil creeps in.

to you,
when you die on the inside, the outside becomes favorable, usable. is to live, to really live, the death of the core? I have loved. i do love. i am full of so much love for so many things. how does love become darkness. LOVE- even the most bright of emotions casts a shadow. you are tough, yes, you are, but in your core you know the vulnerability you possess. remember that.

To you,
He sleeps in the darkness, floating in the surface. Only taken few times to the world within. Awakened. As if the dark was never there. With the sun, rises the thoughts, creeping through the woodwork. He sees them hears them feels them everywhere. Polish the flesh, make it shine, they will never know. In the light of day, he feels invisible. In the light they become blind. But in the light he shines. Bright eyes. Where is the home of the dim? He knows it's there. But where, he doesn't see it. Light life, heavy mornings. Just sip his coffee, being tired is the enemy. What's that knock? He knows whats coming from beneath. The whispers, all so familiar, yet at times so foreign. What time is it? Time for work. Time to finish his day. he knows all this cant be carried in the jungle to survive. Lock all this up and throw away the key.... But he knows the key is never lost. Regardless, that lock box is a dreadful old thing. Always breaking at its hinges.
To you,
Here u r again. Another day. He wakes with so much anxiety. There must be something hidden in his dreams. That terrorizes him as he sleeps. Where else would this fear stem from? How does one go from complete sleep, to anxiety and fear in the matter of moments.
To you,
Where are you? He knows it's gone. There once lived a beautiful soul in a beautiful package. It journeyed, did its best. It shone in the eyes of others. But, far from his own thinking, the light would not keep bright forever. With every descent into another's soul, the light became trapped. Maybe trapped, maybe stolen. But who knows? Is there something to be known? He looks in the mirror and sees the same package he did before. Beautiful. He looks into his eyes and sees that soul that went missing along the way. Yet he knows it's not there. It's presence is not there. Yet he sees it. Everyone else probably sees it. But it's not there. He knows it. Must be a reflection, remnant, fossil of what used to be there. There once lived a beautiful soul in a beautiful package. Then he obtained the world.
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Avatar for cmkarla
Administrator
Registered: 01-03-2001

Hi and welcome. It sounds like you are doing a great job in getting yourself clean. Have you joined any live support groups in your area? It might be something to look into.

Karla
Community ModeratoriVillage.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2013

Hi 6 sides,

How are you doing with your sobriety? From a been there done that point of view, I really urge you to get fromal help in getting clean. Do try to contact some sort of group in your area so you'll have live people to talk to and help walk you through. Live support makes a real difference as it can help make the process much easier for you.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2002
Hi 6.....I can so relate. When I first got clean and sober, my mind was trying to process all that thinking that I had shut out for so long. Keep writing. Have you tried AA? NA? CA? I was afraid. So afraid of my jumbling thoughts....so I had to get around others that had already dealt with jumbling thoughts, addiction, the results of my addiction. You have a beautiful way of putting your thoughts down.....now time and self reflection with the help of one other person that understands will help. I heard someone say "I was always judging my insides with your outsides, and I was losing every time". I realize that just because someone looks all together dont mean they are...and those that look dazed and confused just might not be. The only way to find out about me was to talk to others that knew where I was thru experience. I have been to all the 12 step groups...AA, CA, NA, Al-Anon....and find help in each. Thank you for reaching out on here....hope we can be a big part of your sober journey...God bless....
Alcohol, Addictions & Recovery. It's a long way down, but only 12 steps UP
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2011

I have a big question. Are you the first to suffer from addiction in your family? There are 2 aspects to addiction. One is you learned it at home by watching family who took too much medicine, drunk too much etc. You get the picture. The other is that you may be trying to doctor yourself because you have issues which make you unhappy. Go to www.answersforteens.com to learn what growing up in a family where there is addiction may have done to you. Good luck - Edith

swt16mentally wrote:
Hi 6.....I can so relate. When I first got clean and sober, my mind was trying to process all that thinking that I had shut out for so long. Keep writing. Have you tried AA? NA? CA? I was afraid. So afraid of my jumbling thoughts....so I had to get around others that had already dealt with jumbling thoughts, addiction, the results of my addiction. You have a beautiful way of putting your thoughts down.....now time and self reflection with the help of one other person that understands will help. I heard someone say "I was always judging my insides with your outsides, and I was losing every time". I realize that just because someone looks all together dont mean they are...and those that look dazed and confused just might not be. The only way to find out about me was to talk to others that knew where I was thru experience. I have been to all the 12 step groups...AA, CA, NA, Al-Anon....and find help in each. Thank you for reaching out on here....hope we can be a big part of your sober journey...God bless....