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|Thu, 05-23-2013 - 3:16pm|
I'm new to this board and hoping to find some support and guidance here. The bottom line is, I'm not sure if I'm an alcoholic or not, and I'm not even sure if I want to do anything about it. A little background...
While I grew up in an upper-middle class family, I never felt appreciated, truly loved or respected. I was not abused as a child (although there were several ocassions when an older neighborhood boy exposed himself to me and touched me inappropriately - I've never told anyone about that to this day). My younger brother was always the "golden child". He could do no wrong. My father is chauvinist - always has been, always will be. All of my life I was made to feel like I was a bastard child. I had a job from the time I was 12 (answering phones at a pizza place) and by the time I was 16, I was working 50+ hours a week during the summer. All the while, my brother played sports, had fun and didn't have a job until after he graduated college. I never had the opportunity to graduate college. I worked a full-time and part-time job thru my 3 years of college and just got burned out. My whole life I've felt worthless.
I got married very young (22) and had a child 7 years later - he is the love of my life. That being said, I've always feel like I get the short end of the stick in life. Every job I've had, I've been passed up for promotions even though I feel like I work harder, put in more hours than others in my same position. I have a positive attitude at work, but in the last few years things have been increasingly stressful. I've always been a social drinker, but in the last 10 years or so I've been drinking, not more often, but in larger quantities. I can now drink almost a case of beer in one night. I feel like it's my only release. I don't smoke, don't do drugs, don't abuse prescription medications, etc. I cannot manage the insane amount of stress in my life. I'm currently working almost 60 chaotic hours a week. I get no appreciation or respect. My workload in the last year has doubled and I have never received a pay raise although my yearly performance reviews are excellent and the company is not in financial trouble. My marriage is a sham. My husband is a great guy, but we're not great together. He never compliments me, tells me I look nice, is affectionate, etc. We haven't been intimate in over 5 years and even before then it was only like once a year (we've been married almost 20 years). I can't afford to get divorced - he's the breadwinner. Again, I feel worthless and I feel like when I drink, it numbs me - even if just for a little while. I do not miss work due to hangovers and the drinking doesn't seem to affect an aspect of my life. I rarely drink in front of my son and have never been drunk in front of my son. I can drink heavily for 2 or 3 days in a row, then not touch alcohol for a month or more. I also only drink low calorie, low carb, low alcohol beer - no wine or hard liquor. I did attempt to try AA, but I saw someone there that I knew. While the meetings are supposed to be confidential, this other person told others that I was attending these meetings, but never fessing up that he, himself was also attending (he said he heard it from a friend). I stopped going because I was completely embarassed - again, screwed over when trying to do the right thing.
Anyway, I'm not sure what I should do at this point. I've talked to my doctor about it and she doesn't seem too concerned - which I thought was odd. All of my blood tests are perfect. I've seen a therapist - it was useless. All I did was sit and ramble as I am in this post with no closure so I stopped wasting my money. I just don't know what to do at this point. I don't even know if I have a problem, but I know it's bothering me. I have friends & coworkers that go out and get hammered every Friday night and it seems to be the norm. I don't know why I feel this way, but I'm hoping to get some feedback from others on this board. Thanks...