Fiance drinking again...need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2011
Fiance drinking again...need help
3
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 12:09am

My fiance gave up drinking cold turkey when we got together. He told me he knew he was a monster when he drank and didn't want to risk losing me. I never knew he was an alcoholic, until his mother told me about it a few days ago. He has been extremely busy with work...making little more and tons of bills. Our vehicle recently broke down. I am always at home taking care of kids. That would make any person stressed out!! I overall thought I was a good woman to him. Mind you he would also tell me this and he treated me like a queen. Not until he started hanging out with his buddies from work, turned to him drinking, staying out all night. Telling me he doesn't know if our relationship is going to work because I don't trust him. I did trust him, until his behavior turned suspicious. Then he tells me he never told me I had to move out, when I tell him I am going to leave. It has only been a week, but I am just so confused! I have tried talking to him, but I think he just wants to party. He is gone now and I am pretty sure he is with a fellow female coworker. Why won't he tell me and my kids to leave?? I mean this is his house and I don't pay any bills. Is he testing me to see how much I love him and willing to help an alcoholc? Any advice, and please be nice....my heart is broke!

Community Leader
Registered: 10-08-2002
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 10:41am

I am so sorry you have to go thru this....When your fiance quit drinking, he did nothing to help him guarantee that he would not drink again.  No counceling, support group, church.  These are tools to help an alcoholic not return to drinking....and you, not being experienced in the ways of alcoholics....were caught off your game.  May I suggest Alanon?  This is a group that was set up to support family and friends of alcoholics.  Not to tell you to go or stay...or even tell you to what to do to get your alcoholic sober....but to help you decide and move forward with your goals for a happy life for you and any/all children involved.  In the meantime, unless you are in physical danger or emotionally abused, wait and see.  At least until you have a clearer picture of what you want to do.  I know your heart hurts....and I know that you do not have the power to get your alcoholic sober....that is in his ballpark...but you DO have the ability to learn to make good choices for your life and you DO know that life will go on....either with or without him in it.  So please keep posting, find a good Alanon meeting, get a sponsor there, and let the program help you decide what move to make.....good things take time and work....so its time to work. Keep us up on your decisions and progress back to happiness....God bless....

Alcohol, Addictions & Recovery. It's a long way down, but only 12 steps UP
Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 5:13pm

Hello and welcome.

Alcoholics don't like admitting how much they drink- unless they are bragging with drinking buddies. Well. I didn't anyway. Alcoholics also don't think ahead. Did you ever hear the expression 'have your cake and eat it too?' IF he is with this other woman, and hasn't asked you to leave, chances are that he wants his fun with both of you.

Please do what Brenda suggested. You need to talk to other people who are involved with alcoholics. You can do better than him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2011
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 7:06pm

I want to be there for him, but I am now just going about my day as usual....only not speaking to him. I guess we are avoiding one another. Probably for the better. He left again, so who knows where he went or when he will be home. I can't cry anymore...just numb to it. We spoke a bit this morning when I asked if I could walk with him to work. He told me he drank a ton last night, he didn't want to get help, and he knows this is destroying everything, but it is how he is. So I walked back home upset, but kept my head up....He tells me I don't have to leave, but I can't live with a man I don't really talk to, stays out drinking all night, and doesn't want to fix it! So I have applied for a housing place. It takes time to get in, so I am just going to stay here in the meantime. I have let him know about this. Told him I would pay some of the bills once I get my first paycheck. He told me he wasn't going to take money from me. I love this man so much, but I can't and won't let his behavior ruin me or my childrens lives. I told him I will always be there for him when he decides to get help. Maybe before I move something good will happen. Just have to have some faith. I will research the alanon meetings. Thank you for your kind words.