I keep lying to myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
I keep lying to myself
2
Thu, 05-29-2014 - 12:11am

I have been binge drinking for 10 years now and for 10 years I have been telling myself that I am not an alcoholic.  Recently my drinking has become more out of control that it ever has been.  I used to have parameters...I would only drink on weekends, I would only drink red wine, I would only drink in certain situations or with my friends, etc. etc., but those boundaries have disappeared and now I find myself drinking more and more frequently.  If I open a bottle of wine or a bottle of vodka, it will be gone by the end of the night.  I show up to work every day, but most days I'm either hungover and irritable, brain in a fog, or I'm still a little bit drunk from the night before.  The career that I used to be so passionate about has become so overwhelming because I've let my work pile up around me and I don't even know where to start in picking up the pieces.  I have done so many crazy, embarrassing, disgusting things while under the influence.  I have driven drunk countless times (and somehow have never gotten a DUI), I have broken friendships in person, via text, and via Facebook, I have blacked out a time or two.  I don't know how I've managed to escape jail, hurting or killing another person, or killing myself.  Last weekend I seriously contemplated jumping off my third story balcony because I wanted to end it. There are other issues in my life...I recently got divorced and my relationship with my supervisor is severely strained due to a previous inappropriate relationship that lasted for nearly 2 years.  I don't know why I can't seem to stop drinking.  I see my life crumbling around me, but it doesn't seem to decrease my motivation to drink.  I don't believe in the disease model of addiction, but I do believe that I'm in trouble.  Sorry to ramble on so long, but I have to let this out.  I'm afraid. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2009
Wed, 06-04-2014 - 12:45am

I've struggled for a few years, but did finally get up the courage to go to AA. It's hard, but people just like you are there and they listen... and more importantly, they understand. Best wishes

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Sun, 09-14-2014 - 5:09pm

Maybe you have moved on from ivillage.  I hope I don't waste me breath.  But, if your here.  Your not alone. I was sober for 8 years.  About 9 months ago I started drinking again for many of the same reasons that you mention.  I hate my supervisior was number 1, then I started hating my job, then I was calling in often....binge drinking....not being functional at all.  I gave it all up an 80000 a year job because drinking was more important.  The job was overwhelming me and I decided to give it up (it truly was physically overwhenlming) so my Dr put me out in March it is now Sept and I dont' have a job.  But thru the grace of God I was offered a severence package.  So I kept drinking.  Recently I came off a 3 week bender, no food, no shower for 6 days and they only shower I had before that was my boyfriend picking me up and putting me in the shower because he thought it would help me.  Anyway all the things you mention lead to the progression that I WAS IN.  If you haven't already led to drinking everyday or lost your job, or worse, ended in jail or dead.  You will, I promise you that.  I feel like I was recently on my death bed.  Today is day 2 recovery for me...and I don't plan on drinking ever again.  I know "one day at a time".  My family has deserted me, my job, my friends (most of them) and all I had was the bottle which made me incresingly anxious and lonely.  I hope this note finds you in RECOVERY and in better shape.

 

Missy