One drink won't hurt her

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2008
One drink won't hurt her
6
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 12:38pm

I have a group of friends that I regularly go out with and one of our group is an alcoholic (we will call her May for purposes of this post) that has recently started stopped drinking. Another one of the friends (June) insists May isn't really an alcoholic and that one or two drinks won't hurt her, so when we go out June is constantly trying to get Mayr to indulge. The rest of us are furious at June and no matter what we say, June won't listen about how rude and unhelpful she is being with May's problem. The rest of us have gone alcohol-free when we are together to help support May's decision to stop drinking. I think we should stop inviting June to go out with us until she realizes how wrong her behavior towards May is. Is that too harsh?

Brenda

Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997
Fri, 06-07-2013 - 3:57pm

Hi Brenda!

Welcome!

Did May tell you she was an alcoholic?  Does she seem upset by June?  You might want to ask May, when no one else is around, if June's words bug her. If they do, ask May if she would like June excluded. The thing about being the alcoholic is that we sometimes are afraid to say something to someone and other times we want to be able to handle things for ourselves. So ask May and take your cues from her. 

BTW...you are a great friend!

Community Leader
Registered: 10-01-2010
Mon, 06-10-2013 - 10:11am

It's usually more about the person speaking than the person they are speaking about.

I can't help wondering if May's decision to stop drinking has June thinking about her own drinking, if she is drinking too much, if people are thinking she is an alcoholic? If she can get everyone to drink along with her, then she is OK - she is just part of the crowd. If she is the only one drinking, then she looks bad.

Some friends can have a hard time when people change, and want them to go back to their old ways so that they don't have to change too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Mon, 06-10-2013 - 1:24pm

witch_power wrote:
<p><p>I can't help wondering if May's decision to stop drinking has June thinking about her own drinking, if she is drinking too much, if people are thinking she is an alcoholic? If she can get everyone to drink along with her, then she is OK - she is just part of the crowd. If she is the only one drinking, then she looks bad.</p><p>Some friends can have a hard time when people change, and want them to go back to their old ways so that they don't have to change too.</p>

I think you have a very good point. I have been trying to lose over 100 lbs and I have begun to notice a pattern that one of my biggest (has quite a lot of weight to lose herself) friends is the worst saboteur when it comes to my diet. My husband thinks she is scared that if I lose weight then suddenly she becomes the target of fat jokes instead of me.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-01-2010
Mon, 06-10-2013 - 11:39pm

I get that - I have lost 60 lbs, and still have a lot to lose. And people are saying things like, you are getting too skinny (HaHa! Not likely! I still have another 50 lbs to lose.)

You shouldn't deprive yourself.

One (or a little bit) is not going to hurt you (sound familiar?)

and on and on...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Thu, 07-25-2013 - 10:45am

Is it possible not to invite June?  Will that give June the message?

I think isolating June or ignoring her comments, changing the subject...etc. will stop the behavior.  If she is getting attention and reaction to her behavior she will continue with the same behavior.  Consequences are needed!

Tell May for ME....Good JOB!  I have 8 years sober.  SHE CAN NOT just have a drink and to be surrounded by toxic people is not good for her.  She also has choices not to be surrounded by people like JUNE.  Her sobriety must come first if she wishes to live a longer life. Notihing is guaranteed...but one thing is...if she doesn't DRINK...her days she lives will be happier.

Missy
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2013
Sat, 08-10-2013 - 9:48pm

Hi Brenda,

To  harsh? No not at all.  Hopefully, "May" is going to AA or someother support group for help.  No, no we alcoholics cannot risk even picking up one drink.  With  support we learn to take "one day at a time", or indeed in our early struggle even hour by hour.  I think though, May, must take the lead here and avoid te temptation of visiting bars. There are other ways to meet friends to socialize.  I offer Saturday morning breakfasts at a diner, weekly or every other week, whatever fits.  June needs some education on alcoholism and a visit to ur little village here, sure wouldn't hurt.  I am an alcoholic, Beth, and my monicker here pretty much tells my story about how long it has been since I imbibed.  Maybe you can get Beth to read this this little paragraph of wisdom learned the hardway,  Let me know how your group makes out, if you would be so kind.  You can just drop a note to our little vil;lage right here.  We are pretty nice folks.

In friendship,

Paul