What is my responsibility to help?
Find a Conversation
|Sat, 06-22-2013 - 11:16am|
I wrote here a couple of mths ago & appreciated the support but am back because I'm confused. After my Mom had to face that she wasn't hidding her drinking, she agreed to get help. All of this happened 3 wks before my DS was married. I took her to her Dr and the dr told her not to quit cold turkey but to with with rehab clinci & until the appt with rehab cut back on her drinking. Rehab appt was just after wedding. Mom told me 2 days before the wedding that she hadn't had a drink in 3 wks & all was well. We then spent 4 days in ajoining hotel rooms so no privacy. She started getting sick the first night & got progressively worse over the next 48 hrs with all the signs of severe withdrawal. She said she had a sore throat/cold/temp & refused to go when I tried to get her to dr. Long story short, the following week after her rehab intake (part 1) assessment, she tells me that she was actually going through withdrawal. She still insists that she quit drinking 3 wks before. Everything I have read & my conversation with the rehab centre says it isn't possible to go through this 3 wks later. She is thriving on her counseling sessions as she has someone to tell how awful her life has been - no better or worse than the average life. The latest is that my Grandmother taught her to lie. This woman raised me & would have smacked me if I lied, she was a wonderful, loving, caring woman who worried about her DD until her own death at 93.
My issue is that I want very little to do with Mom right now as I'm really angry. The lies continue & a lot of resentment is coming to the surface from 50 yrs of living with this hell in my life. I have started counseling at the rehab clinic myself but unfortunately they are understaffed & underfunded so I have only had my intake session with my counseling to start in 2 wks. The intake coordinator told me that it's likely that I'm allowing myself to be angry for the first time & that this is a positive step for me. Doesn't feel too positive right now as I dream angry dreams & so I'm not sleeping well. I will work to resolve these feelings but right now my question is more about what is my role. My role in this relationship as always been as caregiver, Mother, supporter & so a lot of my anger is because I'm the child here. Mom told me that I'm to blame for her not getting help earlier as I should have made her do this. We won't discuss the number of times I tried. I just walked away when she said that. She is now telling me that her counselor wants her to focus on fixing the most important thing in her life. Mom says this is our relationship. I don't see how she can fix this when I don't want to have anything to do with her. Just knowing that I have to call her today to advise her of a coming medical appt (I'm the contact as I take her) resulted in another angry nightmare & very little sleep last night.
I'm struggling with keeping my boundaries up & the walls around me to protect myself from more pain but... I don't want to do anything to really hurt my Mom physically & if her feelings get hurt, then she may attempt suicide which she has threatened many times to keep me in line. Her health is poor & the drinking was causing more issues. My intake counselor told me to remember that I didin't cause this problem, Mom did & that I can't cure it only Mom can but 50 yrs of guilt is hard to walk away from. I want to tell her about the emotional pain she has caused me & my kids, I want to tell her that I don't believe a word she says & that I definitely don't believe she wants a caring relationship with me. I don't believe she "wants" to be part of our lives as her actions always demonstrate that she cares only about herself. Her new greatgrandbaby was born 3 wks ago & she has never asked for a picture. She made a big deal of telling me she brought this card for her but DD has never received it. Her selfish attitude almost ruined my DS's wedding for me as they didn't include me in the wedding set up which I would have loved to be a part of & changed the plans so I wasn't with my DS when he & the guys got ready. When I asked my DS why I was excluded, he said they were trying to lighten my load since Grandmother wasn't well & I had to deal with this.
I'm not asking for permission to ignore my Mom, I think I'm asking just how narrow the boundaries should be. Tks.