anger and disappointment

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2008
anger and disappointment
7
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 10:12pm

Hi, 2 years ago i started a relationship knowing that this man has issues with drinking, it defenitely interfers with his life.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 6:05am

Hi, I am Beth, an alcoholic. I have not had a drink since 1989, but remember well telling so many people that I was going to stop. And then I would get drunk. I would swear I was going to stop. And I would have one excuse after another to drink.

Your boyfriend has a problem...I don't know if he is an alcoholic, but drinking is a problem if someone has promised to stop and then doesn't. I liked your line about him guilting you. Therapists say that alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages. Might I suggest to you Melody Beattie's book CoDependent No More and/or the 12 Step group for friends and family of alcoholics, AlAnon.

Please don't look at what is best for him...no person can provide that for someone else. Think of what is best for you...you deserve that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 8:07am

...leave him and let him work out his problems, if he is willing to do so...you can't make him drink, you can't make him sober...you can't help him sober up...there is nothing you can do...you can't be stable enough, supportive enough, pretty enough, kind enough, or stern enough...it's sad but true, the best thing you can do for him is allow him to sink to the level necessary to want to live sober...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 8:35pm

Hi there:

You have to leave him for you.

Missy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2008
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 9:11pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2008
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 10:18pm

sorry everybody, my post is hard to read, don't know how my copy/paste from word got doubled up :(

Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 10:21pm

Dont worry about it...sending you a lot of hugs!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2008
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 5:09pm
hello, update time. guess it shouldn't be any surprise, i am still feeling sad. today i told BF that i will not move in with him. we had been planning on it since we got back together in jan and he "stopped" drinking. He has only gotten drunk 4 or 5 times since jan. it used to be 4 or 5 times a week. so he thinks he is better. he tells me he isn't perfect and is going to mess up
he thinks i am holding this against him. i did try to explain how i feel i need my own space to go to when he needs to drink because i don't want to be around him when he is drinking. i asked him to think about what he is asking of me. he's asking me to trust him and based on the past, i don't trust him.
i told him i can't give up having my own apt, and move in with him as we planned and as he wants. he is disappointed and depressed.

who is right? I feel i can't take the risk of giving up having my own place, i told him we will end up fighting all the time and honestly if he loses his job (has happened in the past) i can't make the rent on a place for the two of us, then he ends up ruining my rental history as well, i just can't risk it