Dh and daughters

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Dh and daughters
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 3:08pm

  For the last 4 years I've dated dh and married him last year, my relationship with my 4 DDs (ages 21-28) has suffered due to his drinking.  Although he now only drinks on the weekends with ME only, he DOES get drunk when he drinks and anything that is stressing him comes out in anger.  He has done it twice with my youngest daughter and my DD25 has witnessed him not speak so kindly to me (I would guess when he's not drinking, that's called being a "dry drunk"?), so isn't impressed with him.  Sunday night was particularly bad.  I mistakenly allowed my DD25, DD27 and her SO go get wine and beer thinking dh could handle himself.  WRONG.  He was uncomfortable with DD27 and her SO (who live out of state and were only spending one night with us), as THIS particular daughter has hurt me in the past and as recently as July.  (Long story.)  Anyway, he has seen me slighted and disrespected by my DDs since my divorce 5 years ago and felt my pain and seen my tears to the point he didn't even WANT this DD in our house.  But, he kept quiet until they went to our basement to bed and then the tirade started.  He got VERY angry  and totally verbally bashed my DD along with my other DDs and DD27 and her SO heard it all.  :(  Monday morning, I took DD & her SO out for coffee and they were obviously upset.  I told DD that he was still upset over all the pain they've caused me over the years, but his behavior WAS inexcusable.  She and her SO were VERY concerned for me and actually asked me if dh had EVER hit me.  I told her of course not and he never would.  I DO remember one time during a fight telling him to do so because if he had, I would have ended it.  But, he didn't.  He said he has never hit anyone and never would and I believe him.  He knows if he ever did, I would be gone.  Period.  He does get verbally abusive, but I learned from my grandmother who was married to an alcholic how to handle it when this happened.  I shut down, don't say much and just let him get it out of his system.  

The good part is that finally it's all out in the open what I deal with, but, on the flip side, now my DDs are all worried about MY mental state.  WHY is their question...WHY is mom in another abusive relationship (my ex emotionally abused me for years).  I told her in marriage, you take the good with the bad.  I knew he had problems before we married, but did the mental "pros" and "cons" list and the pros outweighed the cons and until that changes, I will stay in this marriage.  Young people just think it's so easy to just leave and divorce, but the older you get, there is so much more to it than that.  I tried to explain all this to her, but, in the end, she made me promise to see a therapist.  At least I found out from her that the reason she and her sisters haven't stayed at my place is because they don't feel comfortable around dh...that it's not ME.  They do still love me, but I'm sure now think I'm definitely mental.  sigh  Maybe I am.  I told her I'm living what I learned...committment from my dad who has taken years of verbal abuse from my mother (yet they've been married 57 years) and how to handle a drunk from my grandmother.  I went home after coffee and ripped into dh, but he already knew he had crossed the line.  He doesn't believe he owes her an apology though...that everything he said was true because of the disrespect and pain she's caused me, but I told him he needs to.  None of my DDs even want to come over anymore because of HIM.  He did say that they should still cover and spend nights and he would just leave and go to a motel.  He doesn't care to be around THEM any more than they want to be around HIM.  I told DD27 that it was nice to finally have someone who loves me so much that they feel my pain and stand up for me.  It's just the way he did it was so WRONG.  I have come to just tolerate his tirades but have told him that I don't know if I can do it for the rest of my life.  He said he knows it's something he needs to work on, but I doubt he will.  He doesn't believe in counseling although I've made myself an appt. for next month.  I will try to get him to go, but I doubt he will.  I have also looked up Alanon meetings, but they're at night and not in my town, so doubt I will attend although I know I should.  

It just makes me sad that my dh and his drinking have come between me and my children.  :(  I got an email from DD28 (who lives out of state as well) asking me if I was okay.  I can tell they are all very concerned about me now living with an angry drunk.  But, what they don't know are all the good things between us and that the abuse isn't all that often.  DD27 told me I didn't deserve it...like she thought I didn't know that??  I know I don't, but guess I'm kind of getting used to it.  I keep looking at the good and it still outweights the bad.  

  Oh...I DID read the book "Co Dependant No More" and, although it was good, I don't believe myself to be co-dependant.  I still have a life outside of all the drama of dh and his kids, so can separate myself from it and continue to have happiness in my life.  Obviously, right now is not one of those times, but I do have them.  I'm not thrilled that his DS29 is coming home for 6 days at Christmas after all he's done.  He graduated from rehab in a neighboring state (hopefully 3rd time's a charm).  Dh says he sounds like he's doing well, but, I told dh, as he has a hard time forgiving MY children for what they've done to ME, I feel the same about HIS and HE only had to put up with MY DD one night and I have to put up with his DS for 6.  UGH  We are an unblendable family and it has caused major problems between me and dh.  But, his and his sons addictions have also caused some.  

Thanks for listening and God Bless you all.  

Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 10:29pm
Bless you also, and good luck to you. No one, absolutely no one, needs to stay in an abusive relationship. Love isn't supposed to hurt emotionally or physically. Your choice to stay is yours alone to make, but your daughters may not agree with it. Make time when you can to see them without him nearby. Please, try to get to AlAnon, or try and see if you can find online meetings. Peace to you Beth