In a dilemma...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2013
In a dilemma...
1
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 10:46am

Hi!  I am going to try to make this as short and concise as possible. First a little background information: my dh is a dry drunk who got sober August 2, 2011 and went to one meeting after returning from rehab. (A very emotional topic for me...) I was going to Al-Anon meetings 3 to 4 times a week and it did so much for me! Since my dh didn't agree with 12 step programs and thought they were a crock, I never told him, "I went to a meeting today or I am going tonight" I just went to meetings and often brought our two children with me to the meetings that were "kid friendly."  He let it be known that me going to meetings was "like pouring salt on an open wound", and he would love nothing more than to go by a bottle of Capt. Morgan. NEVER once did I bring home pamphlets, get on a soapbox, preach, etc. when I came home from meetings because I knew where he stood in his beliefs. Slowly, but surely, I stopped going to meetings.

 He told me, very recently, he would like to move down south when our oldest child is finished with the school year. We were both born and raised in the state where we currently live as our family is here as well.  He hates our state, hates the cold weather and I feel the older he gets, the more he complains come fall/winter time. He previously lived in Florida (where he wants to move) for a number of years and loves the warm weather. He told me he hates his life and basically going to move with or without us. I am a "homebody" who loves to travel!!!, but my Dad has Alzheimers's and my Mom is his sole caretaker. I help out when she needs to get away for a night or go run errands, etc. I love my parents dearly and feel it is the least I can do for all they did for me and my siblings growing up. My siblings also help our Mom out as well, so we all pitch in where we can. There is much more to this story, but don't want to make this longer than necessary.  Our chidren are forunate to have their grandparents' (on both sides), aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.

  I don't want to lose my husband or have our family split up. Our children would be devastated as would I. Just writing this is bringing up so much sadness and anger. Ugh! Any feedback/advice would be greatly appreciated!  Thankyou so much!!!!!

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2002
Wed, 10-30-2013 - 8:41pm

Hi Luckytimes2.  Oh...I wish I could wave that magic wand for you to make everything better.  I lost my dad 5 years ago to dementia.  I was blessed because, even though I was a horrible daughter, at the end of his life, I was able to relocate and be with him the last year.  I am so grateful to have that experience, even though it was hard at times, it was full of love and gratitude for what he has taught me in my life.  I, myself, am moving back to Florida next month.  It is a real party state.  Most tourists let their hair down and the party is on in a lot of the tourist areas.  I love the sun, the people, the AA program, and general life in a tropical atmosphere.  Since I got sober there, I have seen a lot of folks come in town thinking it would be a paradise.  Truth is, life happens no matter where we are located.  People are friendly in Florida because most have done exactly what you have described.  Left family and the comfort of the known for the unknown and reaching out to others is comforting.  No cliques from high school to contend with, just folks wanting to settle down like you will be doing if you move.  For the alcoholic, it is a hard move even when you have a good support built in AA.  I had a hard time when I moved to NC after 10 years sober in Florida...just because it was different.  You call your husband a dry drunk....and this could be that he is experiencing that "geographical cure" for happiness that we think will happen if we move around...but we still take ourselves and our problems with us....and a new place adds new worries and fears to the list.  If he is doing nothing to find his happiness within himself, dont be surprised if he is miserable in Florida as well.  I am not qualified to give you advice on what you should do here...but I will suggest that you do some prayer and meditation.  Talk with your minister or councelor....talk to someone not involved that can give you sound advise from a professional viewpoint.  My main concern for you is the fact that he is not trying to develop a way of living within himself and is still searching outward for a solution to his unhappiness.  Go back to Alanon....it brings you comfort and helps you internally.  That is the extent that I can say.  I can also add that I am glad you posted and we wish you only the best.  Please keep coming and let us know what you decide and how you are doing....God bless....

Alcohol, Addictions & Recovery. It's a long way down, but only 12 steps UP