Family of Addicts (Part 2)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Family of Addicts (Part 2)
Wed, 08-28-2013 - 9:29am
It doesn't appear this board is very active these days, but, I need some support right now. I have trouble understanding addiction due to the fact it doesn't run in my family, but it does in dh's. is the update... SS20 has been living with us since January of 2012. Due to dh's pushing and shoving, driving him to school, etc...he finally finished high school in May, 2012. Since then, he's just existed in our basement, "playing" with his friends and NOT doing what we ask which is very little...just keeping the basement (where he lives) neat. We have spent the last 14 months supporting him due to the fact he lost his license due to past mistakes until this past March. We live 2 miles out of town, so there is no bus and dh and I made the decision to not drive him to some part-time job at night as we both work full-time and just didn't want to spend our evenings being his chauffers. So, we waited. March came and went. Dh's job was in jeopardy, plus he was afraid any money or effort spent on his son would all be for naught anyway, so he put off helping him get on his feet (taking him to get his license, buying him a car, etc...) This caused much stress on our marriage and we were fighting weekly. When I finally "broke" and threatened to move out, dh took action...talked to his son about being responsible, doing what we asked without being told, etc...he even took him to take his driver's test 3 weeks ago which he passed, but he still needed to take the driving part which dh was going to do this week. SS20 HAD been talking with a military recruiter (which I had said all along that I thought the military would be the best place for him). He needs a drill sergeant to turn him into a man and make him responsible because dh and I sure couldn't get him to do anything. Anyway, in the end, he decided not to scared...whatever... Long story short, in about the last 2-3 months, we've seen him self-destruct. That's right...he's back on drugs, but it's the timing of it all that shocks me and dh most of all. JUST as he could have gotten his life back with our help, he decided to self-destruct. Dh kicked him out Sunday for the 4th time and is done. It is now up to SS20 to help himself and decide what to do about his life. If you read my earlier post regarding dh's older 2 sons, you'll see why this is called "Family of Addicts". He'll either end up like his oldest brother or eventually turn it around as the middle brother is doing right now, but he's lucky...he has the VA taking care of him. SS20 has nothing but the fact he's still on dh's health insurance, so would have rehab paid for (he's been once already and got kicked out for using on the inside). So, my question is...what would cause a kid to self-destruct JUST when his life could begin?? Dh wonders if once he started pressuring him to get a job, join the military...something, he just felt he couldn't do it, so quit...on life. The good news in my post is that dh quit smoking in February. Granted, he's now addicted to his e-cigarette, but I can live with that since it won't be hurting his lungs. I WISH he'd taper off, but he's only not smoked for 6 months, so I'm giving him time to taper off. Hope he can, but, if not...whatever. I told dh someone should do a study on his sons. All 3...addicts. wow Talk about 2 people whose genes never should have created children. Just makes me glad I picked the RIGHT spouse to create children ex. If nothing else, our kids are normal. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Mon, 10-21-2013 - 11:56am

Hi Startingover,

I remember you from other boards.

D***, it must be hard.

How are things now anyway?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2002
Wed, 10-30-2013 - 8:55pm

Hi and welcome back. I remember you and your previous posts.  I know this is hard for you...looking at it from where you are.  I also understand SS20.  I was just like him.  He did not self destruct because of any reason other than he is an addict.  Taking action in the world is scary and drugs are easier.  He didnt have to worry about a place to all provided that.  He just wanted to not feel like he was feeling....insecure and scared of being in the world.  Would have happened no matter where he was or what he was doing if he does not take any action to come thru counceling, 12 step program, etc.  He has to make an effort to be involved in his own recovery before anything is going to work.  Unfortunately!!  Sometimes an intervention can get thru to someone, but it is not a guarantee either.  Hang on will weather this storm.  Sounds like you and hubby are pretty much on the same page now and that is good news.  Keep us informed....God bless....

Alcohol, Addictions & Recovery. It's a long way down, but only 12 steps UP