Hate myself for being in this position....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2011
Hate myself for being in this position....
5
Mon, 10-03-2011 - 3:39pm

I met a man 2 years ago, he was a recovering alcholic(I am unsure of the terms) he had been in a treatment program and from what I had been told hadnt had a drink in many months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Mon, 10-03-2011 - 7:46pm

Hi secondchance, I hope you are feeling a little better than when you wrote this. You are in a rough position, because your children are attached to this man who is falling repeatedly down on his promises. I'd like to be able to reassure you, but I have been in the same position and I'm now getting a divorce. I feel my husband went into this relationship hiding things from me, and now, going out, won't even tell me where he is staying. I am not the type to hang on or stalk him, so I have no idea what is going on with this.

The deception in these matters really hurts.

Don't be too hard on yourself because you have shown your generosity and belief in him. You did the right thing, and it's now up to him to correct the situation for good (or else...). You are also being wise in putting off a baby. Is he working with someone in the treatment program, and is he willing to?

I've had to tell my husband that we are done, and he spends his first night away from us tonight, so I know how scary and sad this is. Hang in there and keep writing.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997
Tue, 10-04-2011 - 6:05am

I am so sorry. I am a recovering alcoholic, and I remember the "I will quit" and then not doing it days. Your boyfriend needs to show he is serious. He needs to either get treatment again, get counseling, join a self help group or something. Very few people can get and stay sober without some support system like that.

You might want to check out AlAnon.

Let us know how things are going!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2011
Wed, 10-05-2011 - 9:35am

I have had a couple of days to soak it all in, and Im feeling better all things considered.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-08-2002
Wed, 10-05-2011 - 10:31am
Please be aware of this important fact. There is no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. I thought there was for many years and it kept me drinking as the disease progressed. It cost me money that could have been invested for my retirement....now I am living on SS disability only and it truly is not enough. It cost me friends that could not put up with my drinking. It cost me family because I could not be a part of my family. I always came with a bottle. It cost me jobs until I found one that fit with my drinking lifestyle....then I could still be "functioning" because I was working. It cost me my health and my self respect. When alcohol makes all my life decisions, I am not functioning. Alcohol chose where and when I drank, what restaurants I would eat in, which friends would serve cocktails, even when and if I would make love to my husband(s). This disease is progressive and no matter how "functioning" we think we are, we dont stay "functioning". Because I worked....and did not live on the street, I thought I was ok. That stopped me from getting help to stop drinking until I was 50 yrs old. In that time, I lost everything and everyone that has an important place in my heart. We "functioning alcoholics" eventually run everyone we care about off thru our bad behavior and inability to make good decisions involving living. The most important thing is that next drink. Even tho we dont think so. You can read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous online if you would like. It is at AA.org. Just clik on the book and it will come up in PDF form. Also, for you, there is a great book called "Co-Dependent No More" by Melodie Beatty. This will help you learn what is natural sharing and giving in a relationship and what actions are teaching you to place another's wellbeing and happiness above your own...which will end in neither one being happy. Keep posting and letting us know how you are. God bless....
Alcohol, Addictions & Recovery. It's a long way down, but only 12 steps UP
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2011
Wed, 10-05-2011 - 10:59am

Brenda, THANK YOU!! That book and the workbook are in stock at my local bookstore, I will pick them up today :)

I completely agree with you about the 'functioning' alcoholic label, I was hesitant to use it at all, but its what he said treatment actually deamed him as.