Husband's drinking -- don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2007
Husband's drinking -- don't know what to do.
8
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 11:56am

First, let me say that I am not willing to leave my husband. I have a four-year-old son and don't want to move him into a rathole. Second, my husband's drinking is not a danger to my or my son. He is a "happy" drunk.

blinkie
Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997

Hello and welcome.

There are many people who stay with alcoholics, God bless them. I couldn't have stayed with someone like me!

You should check out AlAnon or therapy and learn to do something called detach with love. I also think you need to stop lying to people, like you said you did with your inlaws. Lies protect the alcoholic. We lie when the truth would be better and we get others to lie for us to keep peace. It certainly isn't fair to those who love both of you.

You might want to also check out of Rational Recovery says to the family. I don't know much about it, but I am a fan of getting all the information I can anywhere I can, and then using what works for me.

Please come back and stay in touch!


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2007
Hi Beth, and thank you.

I agree I shouldn't have lied. But I also didn't want to "tell on him"--that would just get me blamed for ruining our vacation. I'm not sure what's mine to disclose.

I have discovered that there is an AlAnon meeting near me and I think I'll check it out next week. I just wish I had a little person who would sit on my shoulder and tell me what to do when situations arise. I looked up Rational Recovery and it seems scary! But I'll do more research.
blinkie
Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997

Ha, that is what I thought about RR too, but I mention it because some people need that.

What you need to do is decide what you can live with....and not. Once you have done that, you have to decide what to do when the unacceptable happpens. I wish I could help with that, but I was the drunk...Sorry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Hi there and welcome. You came to the right place. I hope you will check out Al-Anon soon and go frequently. You will learn how to cope in spite of his drinking - whether he ever decides to get help or not. I know that you still love him - I can "hear" the pain in your writing... However, at some point, you will have to make some kind of decisions. Is this the kind of life you want for yourself or your children? Do you want your son to think his father's behavior is acceptable? I grew up in an alcoholic home and I can tell you that alcoholism leaves deep and painful scars. I also developed the disease myself and found help and hope some time ago in AA. I have seen both sides of the alcoholic fence and it is ugly. He may be a "happy" drunk, but please know that alcoholism is a progressive disease. As long as he is drinking it WILL get worse - NEVER better.
You may want to think about putting some money aside someplace safe. If he does get into legal troubles for his drinking, it could cost you everything you have. If he brings drugs into your house, you risk losing your children.
Please, please get help for yourself. You don't have to make any decisions right now, but get help and support. You deserve it!
Leslie
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2007
No, I don't want to raise children in an alcoholic home. But I also don't want to be the one who "made" daddy go away. I feel that this could backfire on me, making his lifestyle more attractive to my son. I think it's a good idea to put some money aside.
blinkie
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2002

"First, let me say that I am not willing to leave my husband.


 


"OMG, I got engaged, the world will never be the same!...."


&nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
If you make a decision and stick with it, then daddy's behavior will speak for itself. You would not be the reason Daddy Went away - HIS drinking and HIS choice to continue drinking would be the reason. Children may not understand that when they are little, but trust me, they will understand it if he continues to drink and drunk. But, you do not have to decide this now - going to Al-Anon and taking some time to sort things out will be a good thing to do. No one here will judge you for leaving or staying - we who have been in your shoes want you to be whole and happy - whether that means being a single lady or married.
Avatar for cmkarla
Administrator
Registered: 01-03-2001

Karla
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