I want to help, but I'm not a "baby-sitter".

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
I want to help, but I'm not a "baby-sitter".
Mon, 11-18-2013 - 12:06pm

My friend recently disclosed that she has been using crack cocaine again on occasion, and it's wreaking havoc in her relationships with her boyfriend and her kids.

I want to be supportive of her staying clean, and help her avoid the "friend" who has supplied her with it recently (who also happens to be one of our neighbors- she can't get here without passing there).

But I don't want to be her "baby-sitter". While I want to help her, I'm not psychologically prepared to go through this again. Addictions to substances run in my family (Thank God that train passed me by!) and my estranged husband is an alcoholic in early recovery. My ex-husband was addicted to crack cocaine during my second pregnancy, and those feelings, while not as strong with my friend as they were with my ex-husband, are coming up again.

I value her as a person, and as a friend. I've suggested that she seek professional help, go to 12- step meetings, and begin going back to her church for help and support. I've let her know that if she is feeling anxiety about using that she can come to my house, but I can't be available 24/7 for her- I have health issues, ptsd and bipolar disorder, and while I'm on medications to control them sometimes my symptoms are triggered by things other people say.

How do I let her know that while I really want to help her and be supportive, sometimes I am just not in the "right frame of mind" to do so?

I also suspect that right after I had major surgery that she stole some of my pain medication while I slept, but I have no way of proving it. My surgeon thinks that I was taking 12 pills a day, when I was really only taking up to 6 for a few days after the surgery and then only on occasion since then, but the medication ran out before it was supposed to. Since then he has refilled it once, and I keep it hidden, along with my other medications.

I don't like the feeling of not being able to trust her, and I know it will take a while with her being in recovery before she will regain trust from anyone.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? She says that I'm the only friend she has that truly cares and has her best interests at heart.

thanks!