Met Someone in Recovery

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2010
Met Someone in Recovery
3
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 11:09am

I came to this board a few years ago because of a relationship I was in with a functioning alcoholic. That relationship ended and I have avoided similar situations since then. I recently met someone who is in recovery and has been sober for 12 years. Should I view this as a red flag? I enjoy the occasional drink and would like to be able to do that with a significant other, but not sure I should see it as a deal breaker. I am also obviously concerned that there is that chance he could slip and I would be back where I was 3 years ago. Any thoughts?

Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 5:03pm
After 12 years, if the person is still active in their recovery program, there is a good chance they won't slip. They will never, ever be able to have a drink with you, and I can't say if that person sees alcohol use as a deal breaker. Some do, some don't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2010
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 10:58am

Thanks Beth. I just got some new information and trying to process it. It gets much, much worse. Not only was there an alcohol addiction that he got help for, there was also a drug addiction that led to some time in prison. There were also some gambling issues. He appears to have totally turned around and has created a nice life for himself since all this happened, but I'm still scared as hell! I know there is not much activity on this board anymore but I would like to hear other's thoughts as I don't know what to do with this information. I truly do believe that he is not the same person he was 12 years ago, but this is just so much to take in. Obviously, my fear is some kind of relapse down the road and no one can say for sure that that won't happen. Thoughts? Advice?

Community Leader
Registered: 10-08-2002
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 12:26pm
Hi and welcome back....it is good to see you being cautious...but sometimes we can be too cautious....after 12 years, if he is still active in the program of his choice, AA, NA, GA....he is doing all the things it requires to stop that old behavior. I, personally, have been sober 15 years...and I truly started feeling "recovered" at about 8 years. That was when I quit worrying if I was going to drink, drug or act out with men like I did before I got to AA. The reason I dont worry about it is that I follow a program of action that keeps my old actions at bay. I also know that if I choose to not do those things that I am doing on a daily basis, I set myself up to begin to lose the thinking process that I have learned and the insanity will return. Now, even if that happened, I might not drink, drug, etc., but I will be judgemental, critical, and making everyone around me miserable...that is just what happens with me. So, in the process of staying happy, I do certain things. Simple but effective things. I have a Power greater than myself, I correct any wrongs I do on a daily basis..like telling a lie, cheating on a test or at work, taking something that is not mine...even if its a pencil from work, and I fix those things daily to get back my "right" mindedness. If he is doing these things, he is doing exactly what he needs to do. When I do these things, I can go out with friends, and if they order a drink with dinner, I do not immediately run for the bar. I just drink my tea or water and join in the conversation. Mind you, I do not go with folks that make it a point to over drink or get buzzed. That was my old thinking and pattern, It is also not the type of folks that I choose to hang with today, but I do not run from anyone that chooses to have a drink. Many of my recovered friends are married to "normies" and they have Christmas parties in their homes and even serve cocktails to their non alkie friends. Personal choice....Please remember that if you got involved with a person ot in recovery, there is no guarantee that they would be the perfect mate either. They could turn out to be an abuser, cheater, money horder, all those things that make a life miserable. Just take it slow, enjoy the moment and let God into the relationship with both of you. You will know in your heart if you are willing to give this a shot or not. Watch your instincts for red flags....things that just dont feel right for you....and find out why. Are they from your personal fear of involvement with the "wrong" person or is the person bringing out these flags. With your fear, you have to deal with it, and if its the other person, then maybe you should rethink the relationship. Talk to him about your concerns and stay aware of his actions on them. This is all any of us can do with another human being. There are no guarantees....but please do not give up on life for what "might" happen. Life is what happens, good and bad, and we seem to keep surviving and being reasonably happy. Let us know what you decide and we pray for your happiness above all. God bless....
Alcohol, Addictions & Recovery. It's a long way down, but only 12 steps UP