A Moment of Self Doubt

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
A Moment of Self Doubt
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 11:19am

My step dad called me this morning to let me know that my shutting my mom out of my life is "not working".  He said that she is very depressed and that I am not supporting him or her.  Of course, I know that what he really wants is for me to bear the brunt of her choice to drink and drug again.  He wants me to assume my previous role in the family of "fixer". He continually tries to get me to swoop in and bear the burden of her addiction. I let him know that the responsibility lies with my mom to work on her sobriety.  He fails to see that she is not truly trying and is not ready to truly free herself.  She has done it before and has the knowledge of what she needs to do to lead a sober life she just does not choose to do so.  He even threw in my face that my mom may be facing cancer.  I already knew this from my grandmother and upon hearing this, I did reach out to my mom to check on her.  I was very confident on the phone with my stepdad about my boundaries and that I was standing firm on my decision to escape the cycle.  Of course, it has been a few hours since that conversation and I am feeling conflicted.  It is the cancer thing that is eating at me.  There has not been a diagnosis yet.  My mom is set up to have a few different procedures done.  I feel conficted know that "I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it" and being supportive during a stressful time.  If not for the drinking and drugging, there is no doubt in my mind as to what my actions would be.  I would be checking in with her, being supportive, and spending time with her.  I would be doing what any daughter would do for their mom who was potentially facing the same fate that killed her brother and grandfather.  It just makes me sick.  Anyone else been in similar situation? What is the balance?  Is there even a balance to be had between staying out of the addiction cycle and being supportive during a rough time? 

Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 9:26pm

That is a really tough decision. May I suggest that you wait until a diagnosis is made? What type of cancer might it be? You can always send hope filled cards and notes to her, and yet remove yourself from the addiction. Until there is a diagnosis, though, I would wait and see if it is cancer or a side effect from the drugs and alcohol.