New here..........my story (kind of long so I apologize)
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|Tue, 08-02-2011 - 1:45am|
I come from a family of alcoholics - parents and both sets of grandparents. I am 44 years old (45 next month), divorced, single mother of 3 (2 going off to college soon, and 1 living with my ex). Due to financial constraints I live with my mother. I am diagnosed bipolar I. For years I was on meds of all kinds trying to find one that worked and finally became fed up with it about 3 years ago and quit all meds. For those 3 years I was stable and then this past January my stability went out the window when my mother fell and broke her hip. When we got to the ER I had the doc run a blood alcohol level on her and it came back at twice the legal limit. Which, unfortunately, is not an uncommon occurence. She hadn't had anymore to drink that night than she has every night. Following a series of complications, surgery, and more complications, she spent 4 months in a rehab facility for the broken hip. Then, when insurance ran out, she wasn't physically ready to come home so my sister and I moved her into an assisted living facility which she hated, but at least was able to smoke. Going back to the cigs after 4 months was a clear indicator that if/when she returned home, she would go straight back to the booze. So, my sister took her around to different facilities and she liked one and said she would try it. That was on July 1. She told me about 3 weeks ago that she would be coming home Labor Day weekend. The house is hers, and paid for so all I have had to pay is groceries and utilities, which I was able to afford, but if I were to add rent to that, there is no way I could do it with what I currently make.
All of this has resulted in a return of my bipolar symptoms, including the psychosis. I have since been put back on meds and the docs are insistant that I stay on them this time. The meds mess with my thinking ability and they don't help my mood at all. However the psychosis is gone. I want to discontinue the meds so I can think clearly and make some decisions about how to get out of this situation as soon as possible.
The day she told me when she was coming home was a bad day for me from start to finish. Growing up surrounded by alcoholics, I learned very early on that emotions were a bad thing. So I stuffed them down for years. Every now and then my anger rises to the surface and when it does, it's usually not a good thing because it comes out as rage. Several times on the day in question my mother pushed every button imaginable so by that afternoon I was ready to blow. She called me and asked me why she got the feeling I didn't want her home. That was the straw that broke this camel's back. I told her exactly why I didn't want her home. I called her out on her drinking, pointing out the blood alcohol level the night she broke her hip, the fact that in the past year she had fallen 3 times and broken 3 different bones twice requiring rehab, and that I didn't want her coming home because as soon as she came home she would start the cycle all over again. She suddenly had to go. Which infuriated me. Ironically I met with my therapist about 2 hours after this all went down and managed to leave there even more angry than I was when I went in. The next day my mom called me like nothing ever happened. I think the reason I got even angrier was more about me getting mad at myself for unloading on her knowing it would do no good. And my emotions have gone into hiding again. That is when I decided it was time to return to AlAnon. I had been out of it for 5 or 6 years, so I called my sponsor and asked her if she could go with me to the ACOA AlAnon meeting and she agreed. Then I went to another meeting on Saturday, and have plans to go back to the ACOA meeting with my sponsor again this week.
My mood is bad, my thoughts are even worse, and the meds, I believe are only compounding the issues. I had finally started getting my life together, working on being able to stand on my own 2 feet, and now it's all coming undone. I cannot go back to the way my life was before January, but am not yet in a position to move out and seriously worried I don't have what it takes to set effective boundaries with her when she comes home.
If this seems disjointed, I'm sorry. If you made it to the end, thank you for reading. Any and all input is appreciated.