Stages of Grief: I feel like im grieving

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2011
Stages of Grief: I feel like im grieving
8
Wed, 03-16-2011 - 5:09pm
I feel like the stages of grief describe what ongoing threw.... from denial to anger, bargaining, and depression. And the last stage, which is acceptance.

Finding the article on grief today helped me feel "normal" and relieved that I dont have a mental illness from this whole thing. That the rollercoaster of emotions can also be part of grief... And what am I grieving, you might ask? My ideals, the beliefs I had about my relationship, the man I thought he was.... In many ways he is gone now and I am getting to know the real him.

When I found the article on grief, what struck home was the bargaining phase... BF and I had an argument last night and I said "it's like I'm in a nightmare that I can't wake up from... Please just let this nightmare end.".... and feeling like "why can't things be the way they were... two normal people with normal relationship problems to work out. WHY does addiction have to part of it.

On the one hand it feels good to put a name on what I'm going thru.... that it is a process and not a feeling that will last forever. Here I was beginning to think I was suffering from clinical depression as a result. That may be the case too, but it could also be a natural part of the grieving process.

I feel better today. I'm moving forward with my healing/recovery process. One day at a time.... soon I'll be at the point of accepting the new reality. Whatever it may be. I'm hopeful today that it will be an honest and new relationship with BF. On the plus side, he is drug free and hopefully committed to staying that way.

Pep
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Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 6:38am

...how long has addiction been a part of your relationship...what about drug use?...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2011
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 8:07am
I've only known about it for 2-3 weeks but he was hiding it from me from the beginning. He was taking suboxen (to stay off the opiates) for about two years. He was getting it off the streets or thru friends. He doesn't have insurance, and therefore could not afford to see a doctor himself. In the past two weeks tho he claims to off the suboxone and everything. But since he hid it from me for over a year, I'm having a hard believing what he says. Or believing his commitment to stay clean/sober. I guess only time will tell.

thanks for asking
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2002
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 9:49am
Grieving is a part of addiction. It is also a part of life. We have different stages of grieving or disappointment for ideals that broke or did not come thru. Unfortunately, active alcoholics/addicts will just drink/use over any ideals that did not work out as planned. Just another excuse. A normal person has to go thru that process. So does the alcohol/addict in recovery, as I have learned, The acceptance that we come to with our situation also gives us the ability to stay or make changes. Until we accept what is truly happening in our lives, we have no idea what changes need to be made. Acceptance opens the door for a way to improve our emotions and lives in a way that is truly better. Until I accepted the fact that I was an alcoholic/drug abuser, I could not stop. Once I could see the truth, I could take action to find a way to stop. Make sense? Oh dear, its hard to explain....but I am so glad you "get" the grieving process because that is exactly what it is. Grieving the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" and getting on with the truth and living. God bless .....
Alcohol, Addictions & Recovery. It's a long way down, but only 12 steps UP
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 10:09am

That is very

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2011
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 10:37am
Exactly! Grieving the "shoulda coulda woulda"... oh what a painful albeit nessecary step. I'm not at acceptance yet. I hope to get there soon.

Thanks for all the support!!!
Pep
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 12:15pm

...alright, I am going to throw out an unpopular thought at you...keep in mind this comes from a drunk...so, for what it's worth...I wouldn't invest one more emotion until he is sober...first and foremost, I don't think starting a new relationship and beginning sobriety mixes well, so much energy is expended just dealing with cravings and moving from minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day...but, that's just my opinion...I also don't think your emotions are safe with him until he is sober long term...but, again..just my opinion...keep posting...there are great women here in all phases of recovery and types of relationships dealing with addictions...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2011
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 3:27pm
This sums it up perfectly.
"in addiction to grieving the relationship, you also grieve the loss of a person that never existed (to some degree or another), the loss of time you put into the relationship, and the loss of what you thought was reality. That's a LOT of loss all wrapped up in one person. Not only do you grieve the expected future but also the past that really wasn't real."

Yep that's about right. I'm not sure to what degree my past was real or not... but at times I feel overwhelmed by the loss and how to cope and how to move forward.

one day at a time
Thanks for letting me share
Pep
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2011
Fri, 03-18-2011 - 7:09am
Here's another thing.... BF starts a new job Monday and now he anxious about the new job. He's talking about wanting get back on suboxone. He said, " what if I said I like getting high. But with suboxone I know I can't get high. And it helps ne feel normal" then he said, a buddy of mine called and said he could sell me a couple subs just until he can save the money for a doctor appointment.

I told him, I thought the anxiety was psychological. That maybe he should see a therapist for counseling not just getting a script. (cuz, yes he also wants to "share" the subs with another friend of his... Sorta return the favor since that friend always shared his meds with him). BF is constantly saying suboxone is like diabetes medicine and not like a drug addiction or recreational drug.

I appreciate that he is being honest and not continuing to take the drug behind my back but I still have doubts about his "recovery".

I see a therapist for myself today and hope he will have answers. I'm saddened that BF wants the quick fix of a drug rather than being ready to begin true recovery. Am I wrong? Is suboxone treatment for life a viable plan for an opiate addict. I asked him why he'd want to get back on the drug that will make him sick every time he runs out etc. I'm worried he won't really follow thru with a legitimate dr apt.

Ok thanks for letting me share.

Pep