1 week tomorrow since brother's suicide
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|Fri, 06-03-2011 - 9:27pm|
It seems as if I am the only one crying all of the time. His memorial service is tomorrow morning. Still hard to believe it has already been a week since this happened. He was staying with me since April when he moved back from out of state. He left my home last Saturday evening around 9:30pm to go on another walk, which he had just returned an hour prior on a long one.
My dad woke me up around 3:30am saying he had not returned. My father did not want to go looking for him at that time of night in the dark, alone, along a canal path that runs in my neighborhood for a few miles south along a desert path with electrical towers.
So we decided to wait until daybreak where it would be safe to go walking and see if he was okay. My dad came into my bedroom around 7am on his knees crying (went looking for him at daybreak) saying he(Dan) hung himself on an electrical tower naked(like Jesus0 and call 911. According to PD, he was hanging there shortly after he left the home. After speaking to family and friends since his passing, this was all premeditated. My brother discovered he threw all of his belongings on the side of my yard the day after, I found a minimized website on his laptop on how to complete health care directive, living will forms, etc. Asking my father and brother on separate occasions where they kept their guns, he may not be here to stand up in my brother's wedding this fall, kept pushing me to become our mother's legal guardian, etc. It all seems like he was wrapping up loose ends as well. He also attempted suicide this past January where he was living at the time.
I feel as if there is something I could have done to prevent this and help him, but everybody is telling me there was nothing I could've done. He was dead set on this. I am still in shock and at a loss. He had a lot of health problems so we know this played a huge part in it but didn't expect him to do this.