Help with boyfriend greiving

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Help with boyfriend greiving
4
Sun, 08-04-2013 - 11:45am

Hello everyone,

I am from BS board and I have a question concerning my bf.  He lost his two sons about 10 years ago.  He lost one son via drug overdose in 2003 and his wife (Now X) cheated on him shortly after.  He lost his second son in 2006 via car accident and his gf (Now X) cheated on him 6 months later. 

Both the bdays and death anniversaries I have a hard time with him.  He is very belligerent and stays away from me and the kids.  He does hang out at AA with guy friends and to restaurants or golfing. 

My concern is that I can understand that he has issues with these dates as he does not want to be around us;  yet he is out all hours of the night with his guy friends going everywhere doing everything. 

Is this normal? Our family therapist told me that he has to grieve in his own way and to let him do his thing and not bother him. 

A family friend who is a LICSW told me that “Enough is enough, it was ten years ago.  You need to tell him to get over it, you are his family now and he needs to realize that you are the ones that are here.”  (Although I do not agree with this and this is stemming from a conversation with her because his 2nd son died close to xmas and he will go away on vacation to a serene beach area by himself every xmas where he will go to AA meetings (4-5 meetings per day) and golf….

On another note, my mom suggested that we start making donations in memory of his sons on their bdays and death anniversaries (She does this with my sister and said it makes her feel good on those bad days).  But I don’t know how to approach him with this.  His son’s bday is this Friday and he has been a real ahole for about a week and a half, and I have just been staying away from him.

 If we did donate, where do we start? would we donate to a drug rehab center? a child burn/accident center???

Also, he has been accusing me of cheating for the past couple of weeks....We had this (suspicion of cheating...both of us) when we first began dating as we are both betrayed spouses, but we haven't had this come up in a long long time....Does he associate the loss of his sons with cheating woman?????

Any advice would be great.  Thanks and God bless…

Christy

Avatar for cmkarla
Administrator
Registered: 01-03-2001
Wed, 08-07-2013 - 1:43pm

Hi Christy,

What a horrible nightmare your bf is living through. I don't  think you ever get over something like what he has been through in a lifetime much less 10 years.

Have you tried grief counseling for both of you?

Karla
Community ModeratoriVillage.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Sat, 08-10-2013 - 8:05am

Hi!

He does not want to go to counseling.  He does go to AA and I go to Al-anon.  Yesterday was the son's bday and I sent him a nice text...We took the kids to Boston and had a nice time.  He was kind of quiet but we had a good time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2012
Thu, 08-29-2013 - 2:12am

<p>&nbsp;sweetheart I think you need to go to alanon , It will help you , to deal with him Its a great support group for people of recovering alcholics they talk about all subjects it will help you alot and you can go out with these people and enjoy yourself Believe me it works, Good luck to you &amp; may god bless Judygrl56[quote=gal_christy180]&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style="font-family:'Footlight MT Light','serif'; font-size:12pt"&gt;&lt;span style="color:#000000"&gt;Hello everyone,&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style="font-family:'Footlight MT Light','serif'; font-size:12pt"&gt;&lt;span style="color:#000000"&gt;I am from BS board and I have a question concerning my bf.&lt;span&gt;&nbsp; &lt;/span&gt;He lost his two sons about 10 years ago.&lt;span&gt;&nbsp; &lt;/span&gt;He lost one son via drug overdose in 2003 and his wife (Now X) cheated on him shortly after.&lt;span&gt;&nbsp; &lt;/span&gt;He lost his second son in 2006 via car accident and his gf (Now X) cheated on him 6 months later.&lt;span&gt;&nbsp; &lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style="font-family:'Footlight MT Light','serif'; font-size:12pt"&gt;&lt;span style="color:#000000"&gt;Both the bdays and death anniversaries I have a hard time with him.&lt;span&gt;&nbsp; &lt;/span&gt;He is very belligerent and stays away from me and the kids.&lt;span&gt;&nbsp; &lt;/span&gt;He does hang out at AA with guy friends and to restaurants or golfing.&lt;span&gt;&nbsp; &lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style="font-family:'Footlight MT Light','serif'; font-size:12pt"&gt;&lt;span style="color:#000000"&gt;My concern is that I can understand that he has issues with these dates as he does not want to be around us;&nbsp; yet he&nbsp;is out all hours of the night with his guy friends going everywhere doing everything.&lt;span&gt;&nbsp; &lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style="font-family:'Footlight MT Light','serif'; font-size:12pt"&gt;&lt;span style="color:#000000"&gt;Is this normal? Our family therapist told me that he has to grieve in his own way and to let him do his thing and not bother him.&lt;span&gt;&nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style="font-family:'Footlight MT Light','serif'; font-size:12pt"&gt;&lt;span style="color:#000000"&gt;A family friend who is a LICSW told me that “Enough is enough, it was ten years ago.&lt;span&gt;&nbsp; &lt;/span&gt;You need to tell him to get over it, you are his family now and he needs to realize that you are the ones that are here.”&lt;span&gt;&nbsp; &lt;/span&gt;(Although I do not agree with this and this is stemming from a conversation with her because his 2&lt;span style="font-size:x-small"&gt;nd&lt;/span&gt; son died close to xmas and he will go away on vacation to a serene beach area by himself every xmas where he will go to AA meetings (4-5 meetings per day) and golf….&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style="font-family:'Footlight MT Light','serif'; font-size:12pt"&gt;&lt;span style="color:#000000"&gt;On another note, my mom suggested that we start making donations in memory of his sons on their bdays and death anniversaries (She does this with my sister and said it makes her feel good on those bad days).&lt;span&gt;&nbsp; &lt;/span&gt;But I don’t know how to approach him with this.&lt;span&gt;&nbsp; &lt;/span&gt;His son’s bday is this Friday and he has been a real ahole for about a week and a half, and I have just been staying away from him.&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style="font-family:'Footlight MT Light','serif'; font-size:12pt"&gt;&lt;span style="color:#000000"&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&nbsp;&lt;span style="font-family:'Footlight MT Light','serif'; font-size:12pt"&gt;&lt;span style="color:#000000"&gt;If we did donate, where do we start? would we donate to a drug rehab center? a child burn/accident center???&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style="font-family:'Footlight MT Light','serif'; font-size:12pt"&gt;&lt;span style="color:#000000"&gt;Also, he has been accusing me of cheating for the past couple of weeks....We had this (suspicion of cheating...both of us) when we first began dating as we are both betrayed spouses, but we haven't had this come up in a long long time....Does he associate the loss of his sons with cheating woman?????&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style="font-family:'Footlight MT Light','serif'; font-size:12pt"&gt;&lt;span style="color:#000000"&gt;Any advice would be great.&lt;span&gt;&nbsp; &lt;/span&gt;Thanks and God bless…&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style="font-family:'Footlight MT Light','serif'; font-size:12pt"&gt;&lt;span style="color:#000000"&gt;Christy&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/p&gt;[/quote] </p>

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2012
Thu, 08-29-2013 - 2:17am
I sent you a comment but I didn't know I would get a lecture on grammar, to villiage