I miss my fiance

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
I miss my fiance
11
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 4:04pm
He wasn't supposed to die. No one even knew he was sick. I knew he was getting thinner by the day and that he was tired and didn't want to eat. He slept all the time and wasn't really interested in anything anymore. Those are classic symptoms of depression. I even researched the "Beck's Depression Scale". He met all the criteria. We argued because he didn't think he was sick and kept refusing to go for care. I finally got him to go and they kept him four days for observation. I was so relieved because now we could know whether his condiiton was physical or emotional. He was released without any diagnosis of physical illness. That was August, 2010. He kept losing weight, the conditions persisted. We argued, again, because now he had the doctors telling him he was ok. So it must have just been my imagination???? By October, he was so weak, he could hardly walk. We had to shop for clothes because he had lost so much weight. He agreed to return to the hospital because he wasn't improving. He went in on October 14, 2010; diagnosed with cancer on October 19, 2010 and he died on October 22, 2010. We were told he was okay. I knew something was wrong. I was just so aggravated because he refused to be persistent. All the while, something in me knew. No one would listen to me. When the doctor came in and started talking about biopsies and ultrasounds and blood transfusions...where did all this come from? Where was all this in August? He was not a sickly person. I didn't know he had cancer all along. He was just dying every day he was home and I didn't know it. I hurt so badly. I cannot believe he is gone from my life forever. I didn't have time to get used to him having cancer. I really didn't get a chance to care for him with the diagnosis. For the last weeks of his life, I was living with a dying man and didn't know it. If only I'd known. We could have used that time to do all the things we'd never have a chance to do. It's not fair. Why do I have to be alone? What did I do? What the hell does a 52 year old woman do now that her fiance is gone? Who will ever want me now? I don't have youth on my side and it took me so long to find him. He was such a good person. Why did he have to die? Life really has little to offer me now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2008
Tue, 12-21-2010 - 4:12pm
The one thing I heard early on this journey from other widows was that after this loss our address book changes. And you know sadly its true! I would say that of the people that most stay in touch with me now, 90% are widowed! How crazy is that? I always say we never get over it we move forward in life. We will always carry them with us. For those that don't get it in the beginning its so hard to deal with them, but I try to look at it now as thank goodness they don't get it! I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone!

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Thank you Dedi and Kelly for my
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Tue, 12-21-2010 - 11:39am

Sweetie, don't ever let any one tell you how you should feel and when you should recover.



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 12-21-2010 - 11:01am
Thank you. It's amazing when people actually understand...but then, this is something you have to experience to really know....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 12-21-2010 - 10:59am
Your kind words are appreciated, especially when most people who were present in my life in the beginning have slowly drifted away. I guess I'm supposed to be 'over it' by now according to some....Thanks...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2008
Tue, 12-21-2010 - 1:46am
Its crazy how fast they can go. Tuesday my husband was okish.. just having a reaction and Thursday dead. Fast! :-( Its hard especially when what you have is so good. I got 4 years with my husband and that was it, and one year of that (and our first year of marriage deployed!) so I can understand! Hang in there.. And like Promise said not selfish.. We all need to vent!

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Thank you Dedi and Kelly for my
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 11:46pm

Sweetie, you don't appear at all selfish by



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 10:22pm

That had to be horrible for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 10:14pm

I believe ALL was my fiance's diagnosis, too...I mean everything happened so fast.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2008
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 9:18pm
HUGE hugs to you! I thought cancer sadly when I first read your post. My husband died from Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia 19 months ago tomorrow. Its super hard loosing your lover, your best friend, your future. Cancer sucks. Don't beat yourself up over him not getting diagnosed, because my husband had it for a while before he was diagnosed Nov. 2008.

I will tell you that even when you get time from diagnosis to death you don't do all the things you hoped or wanted to. There is still a lot of things James wanted to do but we didn't have a chance. From the time he was diagnosed to time of death we were concerned with his job, getting treatment, doing treatment, and that was all we had time for. My husband suddenly died from a reaction to a medication while in treatment, not from the actual cancer.

I was 25 when widowed and like you thought my life was over. I know many that have went on to find love when they were ready. I've tried dating and while hard, its not the end. If you chose to date again, you can find a good one again. Its hard dating, but what isn't hard in life? I wish I had the answers to your questions, but I don't. Its truly hard. And nothing replaces them or magically heals our grief. What helps is to remember the good we had with them and the love we shared. As time goes the pain isn't as drop to your knees/kick in the gut but its still there and still hits you at times. Just know you have a place here where we get it. HUGS!!

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Thank you Dedi and Kelly for my
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 8:23pm
I am very sorry for your loss. I know you must miss him so much. I sort of understand what you are going through. My husband went to bed Friday, October 1st, and I woke up to him on non-responsive on Saturday morning. He had a massive stroke. While he did regain conciousness 4 days later, he was parayzd from the nose down. Could not talk, or swallow, and only communicated by eye blinks. He died 2 weeks after I found him. They never could find out why he had the stroke. And it took them 4 days to discover that he had one. All the tests came up negative.

Karri,


Mommy to Lilly Mae


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