I miss my fiance

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
I miss my fiance
11
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 4:04pm
He wasn't supposed to die. No one even knew he was sick. I knew he was getting thinner by the day and that he was tired and didn't want to eat. He slept all the time and wasn't really interested in anything anymore. Those are classic symptoms of depression. I even researched the "Beck's Depression Scale". He met all the criteria. We argued because he didn't think he was sick and kept refusing to go for care. I finally got him to go and they kept him four days for observation. I was so relieved because now we could know whether his condiiton was physical or emotional. He was released without any diagnosis of physical illness. That was August, 2010. He kept losing weight, the conditions persisted. We argued, again, because now he had the doctors telling him he was ok. So it must have just been my imagination???? By October, he was so weak, he could hardly walk. We had to shop for clothes because he had lost so much weight. He agreed to return to the hospital because he wasn't improving. He went in on October 14, 2010; diagnosed with cancer on October 19, 2010 and he died on October 22, 2010. We were told he was okay. I knew something was wrong. I was just so aggravated because he refused to be persistent. All the while, something in me knew. No one would listen to me. When the doctor came in and started talking about biopsies and ultrasounds and blood transfusions...where did all this come from? Where was all this in August? He was not a sickly person. I didn't know he had cancer all along. He was just dying every day he was home and I didn't know it. I hurt so badly. I cannot believe he is gone from my life forever. I didn't have time to get used to him having cancer. I really didn't get a chance to care for him with the diagnosis. For the last weeks of his life, I was living with a dying man and didn't know it. If only I'd known. We could have used that time to do all the things we'd never have a chance to do. It's not fair. Why do I have to be alone? What did I do? What the hell does a 52 year old woman do now that her fiance is gone? Who will ever want me now? I don't have youth on my side and it took me so long to find him. He was such a good person. Why did he have to die? Life really has little to offer me now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2008
Tue, 12-21-2010 - 4:12pm
The one thing I heard early on this journey from other widows was that after this loss our address book changes. And you know sadly its true! I would say that of the people that most stay in touch with me now, 90% are widowed! How crazy is that? I always say we never get over it we move forward in life. We will always carry them with us. For those that don't get it in the beginning its so hard to deal with them, but I try to look at it now as thank goodness they don't get it! I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone!

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Thank you Dedi and Kelly for my

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