My father

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
My father
Fri, 04-27-2012 - 5:36pm

I wrote on this board before about the loss of my father, it's been less than 3 years and quite often I feel like I am drowning in this pain. Sometimes I wish he can hear me and I hope that he knows that I never hated him. We had a very difficult relationship. Few weeks before he accidently died we had a conversation on the telephone about my younger brother. It was the first time we had talked in a long time and I am so grateful that we had that conversation because it was almost like everything was all right. But I never told him that I loved him, and it kills me that he died thinking that I don't love him.

He was a very difficult person and for the few years before his death, we never had a normal relationship. We only talked if we really had to. I regret being so stubborn. I remember how much he loved me when I was a child, he took me everywhere with him. he bought me things, he showed me how to have fun, he showed me good music....and I wish I had a chance to tell him that I do love him and that I think about him all the time. But I can't because he is gone, in one second he was just gone,it is not fair that his life ended like that, he was young, only 57 years old. He always had so many plans and ideas, he was always full of energy...he had so many people that loved him. On the day of his funural, bars in our town did not play any music, hundreds of people showed up..he was a very special person and I just want a chance to tell him that I love him. My heart is breaking that I will never see him again. It's been 2 and a half years since his death and it all feels like yesterday,

Sorry, I am just going on and on, I am not sure If my post is making any sense. I just need to get this out of me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 5:35am

I am sorry on your loss and I understand the added pain that you can't make peace with him now face to face.

I wrote my Dad a poem years after he died and I stood at his grave and read it to him.

I believe in heaven and I believe if I even sit on my couch and talk to either of my parents or my husband, that their spirit can hear me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 11:16am

Sweetheart, I fully believe that your father knew you loved him even though you did not physically speak the words. You can still tell him you love him and I believe he will hear. Maybe sit quietly in a room and talk, say all you have in your heart and release to heaven. He will hear and know and you can reach a level of peace in your heart by doing so.

Don't worry about posting. That is what this board is for, for us to release our fears, pain and grief. And here, by doing so and by talking with those who understand, that we take our first steps towards healing.

Your healing will start but I know you need to feel the peace within yourself . Please don't be hard on yourself. Life is full of should haves, would haves but the real truth is that your father would not want you to be beating yourself up over this. He loved you too.