My Mom is Dying

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
My Mom is Dying
10
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 12:27am

Hi.  I've never been to this board before, and I really didn't know what to Google for help, but my mother is in end-stage kidney failure, she's 89, in a nursing home, and they told me today that she's got anywhere from a week to a month left to live.  She went to the hospital two days ago, and they said that if she wanted to be on kidney dialysis, then this is the time they would have to start it, because they have been trying to stave off her having to have it done, but now her kidneys are down to 5% of their function.  She said yesterday that she didn't want the dialysis done; I talked to the doctor, and she was in agreement with that.  I mean, if my mom did want to go for it, the doctor would have supported that, but my mom is tired, she has dementia, and she doesn't want to go through any more.  Although that was hard to hear, I had to support her decision.  She is in a nursing home in Pennsylavnia.  I am three hours away, in New Jersey.  I used to live in PA until they foreclosed upon our house, and my boyfriend and I had to come up to NJ to live with a friend of his, because we didn't have anywhere else to go.  We are going to to down and see her tomorrow, but this is really tough.

I have to say my 'good-byes' and "I love yous" and anything else I can think of.  I am 47; my mother had me when she was 42, and I'm an only child, and we've had a great relationship, so I have to think about that.

But I feel alone and scared.  I'm not sure what to expect.  It's never time to let someone go, is it?  I'm just lost, and reaching out here.

Thank you for reading this,

Julie Van Dyke

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 8:25am

I still have my mom but I am not wanting ever to lose her. I am real sorry for anyone who has lost their mom or dad.

Love

Promise



Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 5:32pm

Losing your Mom is hard no matter what your age is...:smileysad:...

<3

~hugs~

 

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 1:10pm

Hey Rhonda,

I know that it can be scary at the thought that the tears won't stop if we let go but sometimes we need to allow ourselves to let go as crying is all part of the grieving process.  We can actually make ourselves ill by denying ourselves  the crying. Right now you are probably still in shock but please let yourself mourn fully as it the way we heal.

Love

promise



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 9:29am

Thank you All!

It's been 2 weeks today and it still doesn't seem real.  I miss her so much but I do know that she is in a much more peaceful place.  At times I try not to let myself "feel" the pain/sadness because I am afraid the tears wouldn't stop.  

Hugs, Rhonda

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 4:59pm

Rhonda,

I am sorry for your Loss...

<3

Nightangel
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
In reply to:
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 4:57pm

~hugs~

<3

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 4:19pm

Hey Rhonda,

I am real sorry for your loss and that she had suffered so much before passing into spirit. Moms are just special people. I know we can't change what you are going through but we will support you in any way we can as you go through the mourning journey.

Love

Promise



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
In reply to:
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 9:49am

Hi Julie!

I am sooo sorry about your mother.  It has to be so difficult to be 3 hours away from her.  I hope you were able to go and see her, hug her and say the things you needed/wanted to say.  

I just lost my mother on the 18th to cancer.  She was 79 years young.  She had been through so much the last 3-4 years of her life.  Her cancer was in remission, or so we thought, until she was hospitalized for what they thought was pneumonia.   It ended up being lung cancer again which had spread to her liver.  She died three days after hearing that in the hospital.  We had her in a nursing home since last December because of numerous illnesses.  

I can't imagine how you are feeling right now.   I share in your sadness and sorrow.  

Rhonda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
In reply to:
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 2:53pm

Julie, I am real sorry you are having to go through all this.  It hurts so much to watch someone you love suffer and know that you will have to let the go real soon. Even knowing that time is short never fully prepares us for the pain bereavement brings.

I am so pleased that you will able to say good bye and I love you to your mom because, though it is no comfort to you now, knowing that those words were not left unsaid will be a comfort when the sharpest pain of loss eases up. It is a wonderful gift you are giving your mom by telling her you love her. It is a gift she will take with her when she moves through the veil that separates us from those who go before.

The time is never right to say good bye, you are right, and I know how lost and alone you feel. I hope you will come and talk with us. We can't stop your loss from happening but you will find loving and understanding support here.

Love

Promise



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
In reply to:
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 4:48am

Hi Julie, I am so very sorry on your Mom's declining health but as one who worked in health care before I retired, I so respect her decision at her age.

Back in 2010, my then 87 yr old Mom went into the emergency room and every day we were told something else was wrong with her.  My one sister had the power to make the decisions, but the 3 of us daughters agreed no feeding tubes, no surgery to fix her broken back as she was having mini strokes and had fallen and broken her back at one point.  She was buried 2 weeks after she initially went into the hospital.

My Mom also had dementia and the final day I saw her as I live 3 hrs from where Mom was so I never said much except I love you, she had some lucid moments but I think it is how you treat your loved ones all the time, I think it is a lesson for all of us to never leave things unsaid or undone as my own husband Nov 2010 died in a traffic accident so there was no time for good byes.

Cherish the few moments you have with your Mom and respect her for her decision that at her age, enough is enough.   Say bye, say I love you, tell her she was a great Mom.   I hope you have the type of relationship you can talk truthfully to your boyfriend and he can comfort you now and after your Mom is gone.   Make sure you know what type of funeral she wants etc, hard topics to discuss but if you know her wishes you can proceed with them if they are feasible

My Dad died back in 1993 and then when Mom died in 2010, it was like being an orphan, losing the second parent is so much more intense some how.   You didn't mention your Dad so I guess he isn't in the picture.

take care,  Josie