Widow ramblings

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Widow ramblings
Sat, 06-09-2012 - 5:21am

Might just do some ramblings with no clear cut message.

I thought last night before I went to bed, why do I worry on what will I do IF this or that breaks around the house?  Why do I worry if "they" are criticizing I don't nonstop fix things outside or pull out weeds along the sidewalk.  I mean,  who is "they"?

I did put a few flower pots out and had the shutters changed so the house looks better than it did last year and it gives me pleasure to see it, didn't do it to please "them".

At this time of my life I should be doing whatever I want.  Parents gone, no husband, retired so not even a boss to tell me what to do.

I look at the living room that we decorated at least 20 years ago.  Wall paper still looks okay, and again I think those invisibile critics would say to change it, but I have no desire to make decisions on my own.

I am not an overly materialistic person, I live simply and that is fine.  I have clothing that is many years old, but when you had like 20 tops to wear over summer, nothing really got wore out so somethings are really old.  But if it is in good shape, so what?

I was cleaning out around the desktop computer and printer and paper collections in basement.  Giving away all this photo paper that I will never use.

Cleaned out kitchen of food processor, huge roaster and waffle iron, again, I won't use it so I gave it away.

Trying to simplify and declutter.

In some ways being a sudden widow has been a test on my faith of God and I sure flunk that at times.  Why can't I just breathe, relax, and trust that when like the frig breaks, God will help me cope with it and call on friends that might help me figure out what to do.

I went to some local gardens yesterday, a private home has 75 acres of all these garden, ponds, waterfalls and opens it up once a year and then to a small town ice cream social.   Got me out of the house and good conversation with local friends.

Today going to a local market and just walk around, probably too early for much produce to be for sale.

I started looking at old photos and videos and next project is organizing like 20 photo albums.  I want to be a cheat sheet list inside the cover as nothing is organized on what is in them.

My sister called yesterday and the call went OK.  Sometimes she pushes my buttons so very bad.   Next thursday is hubby birthday, have lunch plans with my therapist and stepkids coming into town to meet at grave and have dinner.  Then fathers day wil hurt, I have no cards to buy and my Dad died on June 22, which that year was 2 days after Fathers day.

well, thanks for making it this far in my ramblings.  What all changes or challenges are any of you facing?

love,  Josie

Avatar for nicolathecat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 3:32am

If you are really worried about things like the fridge you can start a list of repair people...call them now, interview them to make sure you like them...that way if something happens you already know who to call.  You can do that for appliances, heaters, plumbers, etc.  Also have a small savings account set aside for such things.  *hugs*

I think you should have your home the way YOU like it...who cares what anyone else thinks.  I am thinking of painting my front door cobalt blue.  It is not visible from the street, but will always be cheerful when I walk up to it.

My house is still in probate, so I am not making any real changes right now, but once probate closes I want to paint the front door and shutters.  I also want to replace the horrible light in the living-room.

In the mean time I bought myself a smart phone and ordered a hammock.   Oh and I got myself a memorial tattoo for my anniversary.  Yes I am an emotional shopper...but I talked myself out of a car that I can't afford...LOL.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 4:56am

HI.  I got a list of repair people as since he died I have had to replace the sunroom roof, the door locks, insulation in the attic, car has had major repairs, shutters were replaced, fan on furnace needed fixed and A/C broke.    So got names of repairmen or garage shops that I felt comfortable dealing with.    And health wise I coped with broken ankle then a year later same ankle I sprained, and other leg has bakers cyst and torn meniscus.

Choosing to retire was a big chunk of income gone but the less stress of that killer job has been worth it so far at least.

I bought shutters to match the door that hubby had painted, like a cranberry and I love them as house had faded black ones.

Probate was like 7 months after he died as everyone was contingent on the autopsy results including the blood work.   I could have told them my husband was sober but with all traffic accidents they have to be suspicious so that was over 2 months to get all of those results so nothing really could start until that was done.

My therapist has grilled into me to lower my expectations of my married friends and I was mentally criticizing the one yesterday while I took puppy for a walk.  I had asked her to join me on a bus trip and she said no.   Without her going, I can't go as I need someone over 60 to go with in order to go on a "senior" bus trip, I am 56.   

99% of my friends still have husbands to the time slot they give you is very very limited and it hurts at times, it really does.  When my husband was alive, I would meet friends in the evening or even on the weekends but other women aren't that giving.   Sad but some day if they are widowed, they will be calling expecting me to be there for them.

Going to church and sunday school today and Ohio is going to be 90 so walking puppy before 6:30am to beat the heat.

Cool on the tattoo, I say whatever helps you heal is good.   hugs,  Josie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 9:17am

Hey Josie,

I guess we all need to lower our expectations of what our friends can or can't provide us with. I think your DH would be so proud of you, you are coming through an emotionally terrible time and though you still have things to face, you are are facing them. You are an incredible and brave woman.

Retirement is better than being so stressed at work that it is terrible to deal with. You made a good call there even though things have not gone the way you had dreamed.

Nicola, that's cool to have a memorial tattoo.



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Mon, 06-11-2012 - 5:09am

Thanks Promise.

I had had enough of life yesterday so went to bed early.   Not sure it was wise choice as all kinds of TV shows can trigger me but I was watching HGTV on buying and rent and remodeling homes.   and here I sit feeling too overwhelmed to even pick a color to pay someone to paint the walls.  With my post neck surgery issues, I couldn't possible paint a room myself.  Not sure I could even do the 12 window ledges that need done.

Then I realized yesterday with how hot the cord on the vaccum got, that I probably need to buy a new vacuum.   Glance online and I think one has to assemble them when you get home.  Great, like I would know how to do that one.  So I guess I will have to call for help.

Life was so much better when hubby was alive.   And someone at sunday school yesterday tells me to just make new summer activities as she is sitting there with her husband next to her, I just said, easier said than done.   Hubby drove us all over, we boated we vacationed, we traveled and NONE of that I can do alone and Rudi the puppy is NOT a car lover so anything out of town, and she will have to go into a kennel.

I have a massage this morning and a church meeting tonight.    I guess try and cope the best I can.   thanks for listening, Josie