Does anyone still have anger towards the baby's father?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2012
Does anyone still have anger towards the baby's father?
5
Mon, 01-02-2012 - 8:20pm
First time posting so I apologize in advance if I'm unclear. When my husband and I got married in 1994 we wanted children but didn't have our daughter until 1998. My husband was the youngest child in his family and was not one to take control of things or help with cooking and cleaning. When our daughter came along, it changed slightly but the vast majority of everything was on me and he would only step in when I was close to losing it. When we got the all clear from the doctor at 6 weeks, we had sex and the condom broke. A few weeks later we had confirmation that I was pregnant. He immediately wanted an abortion but had said he would do whatever it took to keep it if that was what I wanted. Our daughter had colic and had been premature and I was responsible for all of her care. The thought of having another one to care for was completely overwhelming to me.so I made the decision to have the procedure done. My decision was reinforced over the next few days when I had to beg my husband to care for our daughter so I could rest and recover. Now it is 12 years later (yes, we are still married) and I must admit that I still have some anger towards him. If he had been more supportive, I would not have felt that I had no choice. Has anyone else had a problem forgiving the father for not being supportive? I realize mine is probably a different situation since we are still married but I feel like it still comes between us. Thanks for any insights.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007

Welcome to the board. I'm glad that you found us.

I understand it when you say that you feel like you had no choice when you thought about having to care for your daughter without as much support as you needed. I think that's a pretty understandable reason for choosing not to add any more children to the family. When you say that you still hold resentment and anger toward him, what do you mean? Have you had a chance to talk to him about it? What does he say?

I'm not with the father of the child I aborted. We had just met and I got pregnant, and found out after the fact he'd been sabotaging birth control because he "always wanted a child." I thought I'd have the child, because though pro-choice, I didn't think I would have an abortion myself. I aborted the baby after he quit his job and told me his family would watch the baby "sometimes" when I was in school. Forget it. When it dawned on me that my child would have HIM for a father there wasn't really a choice. I wouldn't bring a child into that. - Do I have anger? No. I just wish I'd have been a little smarter about things and been more careful after the doc told me no more hormonal birth control. I was vulnerable and he went straight for it quite successfully. I refuse to be angry, because then he's got something over me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2011

Reiners - how did the guy respond when you made the decision to terminate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2012
Thank you for the welcome and for sharing you story with me. We have having marital problems now and I am questioning myself whether it stems from my inability to forgive him. We have spoken of it twice and neither time included an apology or acknowledgment that he could have done more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2012
There are many other things going on but I guess I'm trying to figure out if they are stemming from my inability to forgive him (and myself). We only have the one daughter and he has never became more helpful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007

Beenthere, I actually did not tell him that I aborted the baby. He was controlling and obviously had no care as to whether I wanted to get pregnant, so I didn't feel it necessary to tell him I chose to end the pregnancy. I merely told him I had lost the baby and had been to a clinic that day for some medical procedures related to losing the baby. It probably also helped me that I no longer wanted anything to do with him and broke up with him soon after. I figured telling him would only give him a reason to try to latch on or resent me more for the break up.

As for the OP, I ended a marriage with a husband who "never got more helpful" with the child I do have. That's why I give you props for sticking it out as long as you have. I chose to go it on my own, because in my case I figured it would be easier to pick up and raise one child - not one child plus a husband that needed me to "parent" him too.