Extreme mixed feelings on soon abortion

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Extreme mixed feelings on soon abortion
22
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 10:29am
I am 23 years old and found out on Thursday that I am pregnant. This is my first pregnancy. I am a full time college student working a part time job. The father of my baby is my fiancé of 4 years. After finding out I was pregnant I pretty much had a melt down. I cried of course and just pretty much realized my world is changed forever. My fiancé and I discussed it and together decided to terminate. It was a very difficult decision to make. We still live with his parents and although his parents have a lot of money we don't want to burden them with a baby to support. Neither one of us make the money we need to be making in order to support a baby. I would have to drop out of school and he would have to get another job. It just isn't the right time for us. I feel like the most selfish person in the world making this decision. :smileysad: we want to have kids one day but not for at least another 7 to 10 years. I just want to feel like its ok but I don't. Part of me wants to just keep it and change my life and the other part of me knows its just not the right time and that bringing a baby into our lives right now would just not be good for us or the baby. We wouldn't be able to give the baby everything he or she should have. I'm just so torn. I have an appointment on Monday and I'm terrified. We havent told anyone and have decided to keep it between us because we know that our families would not support our decision. i just want to feel like everything is going to be ok.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 4:31am

You are not selfish by choosing what is best for you.  Only you know every part of your life-not me, not your parents, not your friends-only you know what's right for you.  I had one five months ago. It was a very hard decision to make and one my partner and I did not make/take lightly.  Like you it simply wasn't the right time.  If you want to chat privately we can.  I promise not to judge, or try and sway you one way or the other.  Simply provide an outlet for you to talk.  The one thing I found after having the procedure done was the lack of after care.  That is what made it the hardest.  There was no one to talk to about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 11:46pm
Each state/clinic is different in how the process occurs. I too had to speak to a doctor at least 24 hours before the appointment. This was done by phone (my appointment was actually two weeks after the phone call but that's okay). They will go through what to expect and make you aware of what your options are. Also the next time you speak to the clinic you should ask how much the procedure is if you do not have insurance. In my state planned parenthood charged $650 and the private clinic was $540. I do not have health insurance so this was important to know prior going in. You will be given the option of having a medical abortion or surgical. Again depending on state guidelines you are limited generally to being under 9 weeks in order to have a medical procedure done. Take your time in talking to the doctor or who ever it is you are meeting with regarding which procedure is best for you. I originally chose a medical termination, but I had to return to work that night. I was 8 weeks along when I had the surgical procedure done. It was minimally painful and I had bleeding for 10 days after. I was able to take care of the physical pain with Advil (although I was given a prescription for a stronger pain med). I am giving you only the briefest of what will happen because of the differences state to state and place to place. The clinic will be able to best tell you what will happen and what to expect. IF THEY DON"T-again ask me. No question is too personal. Physically I recovered quickly-emotionally I had (have) a much harder time. But it has helped to have a very supportive boyfriend and best friend who I finally confided in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 7:44pm

The clinic I went to did not offer conscience sedation and even if they did I wouldn't have been able to take it since I went to my appointment alone.  The actual procedure was minimally painful and afterwards I had minimal cramping and bleeding.  The bleeding however did last 10 days.  My boyfriend did offer to go with me to the appointment, but I did not want him to be with me.  On the other hand you may want him to come with you-to give you support during this time.  I know the clinic I went to said if I had a support person with me that they could even be in the procedure room with me.  I was given a pain pill (s) prior to the start of the procedure.  

Emotionally-A few things I found helped me. 

1.  I bought a figuring that sits next to my bed of an Angel holding a baby to celebrate it's life.

2.  My BF bought me for Mother's day a tree that we planted together outside 

3.  I wrote myself a letter listing all the reasons why I made the choice.  I also included in this letter things about this pregnancy.  How I felt-when I found out-all the "good stuff"

4.  We talk about it when ever one of us feels like talking about it.  At first it was everyday now it's every blue moon.

5.  We made the decision to not call it a fetus-it-etc.  We decided to call it a baby.  It helped us to acknowlege it.

6.  We realized that it's little life wasn't without merit however short- it was.  It's time here was to bring us closer together, to strengthen our relationship, and to make us take the steps forward we needed to in our lives.  

7. I chose to see the ultrasound and also get a copy of it.  My boyfriend took a copy of it too.

Those are a few things I did to help myself.  Some of this was for me, some of this was for him, and some of it was for us to heal.

 

YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON IF YOU CHOSE TO HAVE AN ABORTION!!

Again-You are not a horrible person.  

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 12:22am
Not a problem. I wish the "pro-life" people really took the time to understand what it's like to be in this position. We have nothing to be ashamed of to be honest. I know that's hard to believe right now, but it is. We are not horrible people. We are making a choice. One that is provided to us legally in a safe, comfortable, and clean place. I know it's not an easy choice. It's not a choice for everyone, but then again no two situations are the same. I will be honest birth control does fail. It is not full proof and to suggest abstaining is not a logical one in this day in age when you are in a long term relationship.
I just can't stress enough that you are not a horrible person. You may feel like crying before, after, during....you may not feel like crying at all. I cried a lot, felt guilty, felt ashamed, but I also felt relief. Then I felt horrible that I was feeling relief. I just want to prepare you (and him) for the possible roller coaster after, because it might not happen and if it does-well you two need to really come together to get through it. It will pass and every day does get easier.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2012
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 12:11pm
How are you feeling? I came across your story and our stories are quite similar. I'm having an extremely hard time and already made my appointment for the medicinal abortion on Saturday morning. I feel so scared and alone and I am just torn...I keep changing my thoughts every 5 minutes but I know bringing a baby into this world right now isn't a good idea. I just need someone to talk to...I've been crying every day, all day since I found out on Sunday morning :/
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2012
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 12:47pm

Yeah i knew when i saw your story that I needed to talk to you. My boyfriend and I are pretty serious, we've talked about getting married and having children, both things we want to do but we're waiting to even get engaged because right now i'm in orlando finishing up school and he's in south florida. not only that but we are both having monetary issues. he just finally found a new job and i have been trying to find a second one for two months now. I work at a nightclub. To me, being pregnant and working there just doesn't mesh well. We have all these plans to go up north for grad school together and then take our lives from there. Travel, move around to see the US, etc....who knows if that stuff will actually happen but it definitely (or at least not as easily) wouldn't if we had a baby. I understand, it's logical and rational, why we shouldn't bring a child into this world....but call it mother's instinct or whatever, but I love this little baby inside of me and it's just making it hard. Even though i've only known for a short time! So i feel even more alone with my boyfriend and family being 2 hours away and my best friends just moved to NY and KY for grad school. I told one of my roommates so I'm not up here completely by myself knowing about my situation, but i'm not super close nor has she ever been in it. Everyone is being really supportive, and Liam (my boyfriend) said he would be there for me no matter what, but i know he really doesn't want to have a child yet. Parts of both of us do as it's something we made but I'm just having those guilty and selfish feelings...and I know how I am and I have a feeling I'll really beat myself up about it. I'm trying to cope and be as strong as I can, but it's hard...never thought i'd be in this position. EVER. 

I really like what someone said how they coped, with planting a tree and whatnot, and I already told Liam about that. We both have been calling it a baby, at first he would only refer to it as a fetus or technically what stage it was (i'm about 5-7 weeks...not 100% sure), and that made it harder. We are going to plant a tree, giving life back for taking one i guess, and to watch it grow like this little angel would've had the chance to. I know it's the right decision, it's just breaking my heart.

I will keep you in my thoughts since we are both going on saturday. In a way, I'm glad I found you, and both our little babies can go to heaven together. So they won't be alone. That really comforts me and makes me feel better even though i don't know you. 

Thank you <3 I definitely need someone to talk to and I would love to keep in contact with you 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2012
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 1:22pm
I'm sorry haha, i was crying as i typed it. But it's true. Feeling as heartbroken as I do, it gives a little ray of hope to me. I wonder if I should make a previsit before I go on Saturday...but not sure if that would be harder for me or what....I definitely want a copy of the ultrasound though. I would feel even worse if I didn't. You are right though, we are and talking to you is really helping me to accept our decision. It definitely hurts being so far away from them, but I couldn't image not having my family support me. I'm so sorry. just know that there are people, like me, that support you and understand why you're doing this. It's not fair to you guys. But just think, when you ARE ready, you will be even more grateful and I'm sure our babies will be looking down on us and our future children (and their siblings) with love. Crying once again as I type this....but I'm glad we can talk to one another. I didn't realize just how helpful and relieving it would feel to find someone so close in age and in this situation....It really is a strange connection, isn't it? I have always believed in things happen for a reason and the universe sending vibes and fate and whatnot....sounds kind of hippie-ish but I'm not really religious (though I find myself being more so the last few days)...so I think this is definitely one of those times. My name is Kristen, I'm really glad I did too :smileyhappy: Especially because my 3 out of 4 roommates don't know, and i have to be locked up in my room to talk about it on the phone, it is really helping to talk to you. I'm doing the pill. For some reason, i just don't feel as comfortable with the surgical.

I'm assuming you guys are paying for it yourself...where are you going? I'm going to Planned Parenthood and during my research I found that they have emergency funds all over the country that can help women pay for abortions. It doesn't cover all of it, and I read on a FAQ that sometimes they may not have any (because it's donations and whatnot), but they were able to offer me $200 so my boyfriend and I only have to pay $300. Which definitely helps a lot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2012
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 1:50pm
So have I...I guess Florida doesn't have those laws. I was able to make the appointment without that. That's not that expensive though, that's really good. Oh my, I bet that's even harder. Having to deal with this and being under the same roof? You are incredibly strong, just know that. My appointment is at 10:15 AM...the only thing that is scary is that it isn't as fast, but I get the option of being in the privacy of my own house with my boyfriend. I'm terribly afraid of how I'll feel afterwards too. I have a tendency to beat myself up over things, so I am scared. I read online about PASS (Post Abortion Stress Syndrome) and what worries me the most is that he ISN'T up here and it's not exactly easy - especially with a new job - to just drop everything and come up here. And I certainly don't want this to affect my relationship because I love him to death and I do want him to be the father of my children. So many thoughts running through my head! i haven't been able to sleep, along with all the pregnancy symptoms i've been having :/

I'm happy to hear you'll be planting a tree. I think it's a wonderful idea and just like I said, you can watch it symbolically grow into a beautiful and strong tree. And it'll always be there. I have no doubt that the universe will bless you both with new life again when you are ready and that you will make a wonderful mother. I just can sense it. Liam and I will be planting a tree as well and I'll be sure to email you a photo of it :smileyhappy: Mine is kmhugo430@bellsouth.net I get mine on my phone as well, so I extend the same to you. I'm sure we'll both have our hard days, and just know I'm here for you :smileyhappy: We will get through this together and our babies will be watching over us in heaven together <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 11:36pm

Sometimes when you love something, you have to let it go. There's no shame in that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2012
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 1:32pm

I couldn't relate with you more. I am turning 26 in a few weeks and have been in a year long relationship with someone who has been so supportive of me. However, neither of us are financially secure enough to raise a baby at this moment, And I don't want to bring a child into the world where I feel I am not mentally or financially equipped to take care of a kid. I love kids and I want to be a mother eventually, I just feel selfish for bringing a kid into a world that is not stable enough.I am terrified of telling my parents just because I dread to add any stress and worry in their life. I just don't feel like I could be a good, reliable mother figure at this point in my life. I feel so utterly selfish but I would feel even worse bringing a baby into the world that I couldn't fully provide for. I love kids and I know one day I will make a really great mom, but when I do have kids, I want to be able to bring them into a fully supportive and secure environment. It makes me sadder because there are so many of my peers having kids now and I envy that they are able to embrace this new life. I don't find myself mentally prepared to deal with this now. It breaks my heart and I feel like a horrible person. My abortion is a week and a half away, and luckily my boyfriend has come around to my opinion. At first he wanted to keep the child, but I explained that I have been on medication and am low on funds and since we've only been together a year, I don't want to change our relationship dynamics so suddenly. I want to move in with him, plan a wedding or at least a guidelines for the future, without the stresses of a newborn tearing us apart. I'm not ready to step into the next phase of our relationship. My appointment is in 9 days. I'm trying to be as rational as I can. But it kills me that I'm taking a way a life that I know I would love unconditionally. My head is spinning with emotions and regret and guilt. I know I am being selfish but I'm not sure my boyfriend and I are mature enough to take things to that deeper level. It just want to bring a kid into the world where I know we could provide for him or her and  not be scraping by.  I'm so sad. It isn't easy. I'm just relieved there are other people going through the same mind processes that I am. I just don't want to feel like a terrible person for the rest of my life

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