guilty

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
guilty
1
Sat, 06-02-2012 - 10:22pm

I just want to share my story to get it off my chest because I need to. I started dating someone 8 months ago who has been in my life on and off since i was 14. (I am 25). Throughout my teen years, I was crazy about him, but I didn't really know him. It was more of a lust thing. I lost my virginity to him (stupid young girl thinking sex would make someone like me) when I was 16 and he never talked to me after that...until a couple of years later he asked me to hang out. I acted like a kid because I thought he might finally like me so I hung out with him, but all he wanted was to get some again, I caved, and didn't hear from him for awhile again after that. Finally a few years ago, he actually became interested in dating me. We went on about four dates and I tried to get to know him, but he made me so nervous that I couldn't really open up to him and i was scared of being hurt...with good reason. When I decided to spend the night with him again, he was gone again. Some of his problems back then were bigger than I could understand. He lost people he loved when he was young (best friend, mother, brother), got depressed, and started experimenting with drugs, became an addict and basically hustled and "ran the streets" so to speak for years. I didn't get why he couldn't just quit because I've never done drugs. Anyways, he was in prison for 9 months last year for selling. Oh BY THE WAY, his cousin is my best friend and that's how I met him in the first place at age 14. I was at lunch with her one day and he came into the conversation..I said we should go visit him in jail because he was probably pretty miserable. I decided to write him, and almost instantly recieved a letter back asking me to visit. So i did... At first, it just seemed like we were finally about to be friends, and I didn't even want or expect any strings attached. Then, after a few visits I could tell things were different for him. He sent me a letter confessing his feelings for me and that he finally had the clarity he needed to be with me. He spent two more months in prison and i kept pretty close contact with him, and when he got out I gave him a chance. He got on his feet rather quickly and we fell for each other extremely fast. Even though he had a lot of baggage with jail, drugs, etc, I felt like my dreams were coming true because i finally got to know the person I wanted for years. He let me in, and we were crazy about each other. He was extremely sweet, would do anything for me, cared for me so much it was hard to wrap my head around. There was trouble in paradise a few months in when the "honeymoon" was over for me and we fought about stupid things, probably because we spent way too much time together. I couldn't stand his immaturity when it came to arguments. Anyways i'm going to fast forward to how i've been feeling lately and that is that I have fallen out, and can't find the feelings I once had for him...He misses me every second that I'm not with him and I don't ever miss him.. he actually gets depressed when i'm not around and sleeps his time away. I know that's unhealthy.... I'm not really sure why, but he has been showing his love for me so much more than I am capable of and he is still completely crazy about me. Maybe the reality of how difficult our relationship will be finally kicked in.. (he has no license and won't for two more years so i drive everywhere, he lives a half an hour away, has no education or financial stability, etc.)...In recent weeks, he can sense my distance and tried to get over my doubts but I can't. It hurt him too much to see me losing touch with him so he said that if i didn't love him anymore he couldn't handle it and we were done. So we were done. This past thursday. Two hours later I found out I was pregnant..about 5 or 6 weeks.. Instantly I decided I would have an abortion because there isn't any part of me that wants to carry out an accident with a man i'm no longer in love with. (This happened when I was finishing a pack of birth control pills and transitioning to condoms) Although it's my gut instinct, everyone who's reading this should know it's not actually that easy...I feel terrible for letting it happen in the first place, and that I will never know what my first child would have been like. But I'm not ready. I'm in college currently working on my master's and I've always wanted to secure a career first..then find love, marriage, and a family..kind of typical...Anyways I've been struggling with whether or not i should tell him because ive already hurt him enough. Given the past that he's had, I feel like if he goes back to drugs/alcohol/depression it will be my fault. But ultimately I decided that I had to tell him, and hope for his support to just be there for me because I still care about him (just not the same way he does). As soon as I told him I regretted it. He yelled at me saying I was killing his dreams and he didn't ever want to talk to me again if i was going to go through with it....So now i'm left feeling guilty, regretful, and upset that I don't want the same things as him. I'm going to seek counseling after this because I've had a lot of failing relationships and I don't know if i can get over this on my own...... Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
In reply to: coby15
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 11:26pm

Hi again. Thanks for your input and for replying. I wanted to update. I actually did go through with it... This past Tuesday. It was a very long, hard day. I chose to go with a medical abortion. I want to share this information for anyone else considering it. Well, first I spoke to some women in the waiting room and they said that I would be "FINE" and that it wouldn't hurt at all........ wow... I can say I've never endured such brutal physical pain. I was fine until I did the second part of the series of pills and then I was like living in hell for hours. They gave me tylenol with codeine and it wasn't making a dent in the excruciating pain so I took a percocet I had leftover from a recent surgery...still no relief.. had to just wait it out.. I couldn't even cry or think about anything else. I started to feel like I deserved to be in that kind of pain because I let it happen. I know that's not healthy to think. As soon as the intense pain began to subside, I went to the bathroom and blood literally poured out of me (sorry for the graphic description) - I went completely pale, could barely move and my fever went to 101 for a few hours.. I kid you not, if I could imagine what dying felt like - it would have been that, i'm not being dramatic either. I was so close to calling 911, but I knew if I did that, my mother would have found out what I did and I didn't want to put her through the stress of it. I made it through the night and called the clinic the next morning, asking for antibiotics just in case of infection and they kept changing the subject like I was asking for something out of reach.. Kind of ridiculous. So i did not get antibiotics. I was very weak for 4-5 days and I still have spells where I feel like garbage. A few nights after the abortion, I was an emotional trainwreck and cried myself to sleep, feeling like a total screw-up, scared and alone and i actually thought that if I had the baby, I wouldn't have been alone anymore....... but somehow I am now feeling more logical and positive about life in general and I just know I made the right decision. If i went through with it, the father would have been in my life forever, and after the way he treated me when I discussed the pregnancy with him, I don't want him around me that long. Even though it makes me sad that I will never know what my first child would have been like, it wouldn't have been right to bring a baby into this situation. Thanks for reading.