help getting over my abortion

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2011
help getting over my abortion
4
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 5:01pm

hi, erm i don't really know what to say...

i had an abortion 1 year ago but it still feels like it was yesterday, I'm still with my boyfriend but i don't really know how to deal with it all and he's kind of lost as to how to help me, i still can't have sex the thought of it makes me feel sick and i start shaking and crying if i try, i don't really know how to deal with it all, my boyfriend wasn't very supportive at the time and i didn't want to go ahead with the abortion but i felt i had to and I'm kind of lost as to what help i need and i found this website and thought maybe somebody will be able to give me some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2011
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 6:36pm
Have you considered getting some counseling? I'm sorry you're feeling this way a year later :(. It sounds like you could use someone to talk to; maybe your boyfriend and you could even go together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 7:55pm

There are a couple of places you may want to try to find someone to talk to about what's happening to you. It sounds like you're still dealing with the emotional aspects of having an abortion you maybe didn't exactly want. Maybe finding someone to talk things through with will help?

http://www.afterabortion.com/ is a place with lots of message boards. They may be able to help you as they're probably more high traffic than this board..

Also, I know some of the women in this board have had a good experience with Exhale, at http://exhaleprovoice.org/

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2011
Wed, 12-28-2011 - 7:51am

Hi thanks for answering,

i guess it's mostly guilt and fear of someone touching me since my baby has gone and i do resent my boyfriend a bit as it was his decision for the abortion (he also told me to get over it, straight after my operation) so i thought maybe i couldn't have sex because i was still angry deep down, i also had the surgical abortion. he is trying now by getting me to talk to him about it all and asking how im feeling about things, he also asked if i would like to get a puppy to help me let go of the baby and try to heal mentally but i wasn't sure if that would be a good idea or not as i dont want to replace my baby.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Wed, 12-28-2011 - 8:44pm
What the heck is with people thinking getting a dog is a substitute after an abortion?! Yes, they're time intensive, and yes, they are dependent and love you, but if you wouldn't have wanted a dog prior to losing your baby getting a dog after isn't the solution to the problem. It's just asking for you to get frustrated with the dog and STILL have a void because you lost the baby. (Sorry, that was a rant... feel free to disagree as your mileage may vary.)

I wonder if him telling you to "get over it" was in part because he felt helpless to change the situation or didn't know how to help or was feeling guilty for encouraging you to do it - or if he was just being an insensitive lout.

I'm glad he's trying to talk to you about things now. That's a positive step. Do you feel like you can tell him how what he said after the abortion made you feel? Or do you feel like it's too little too late?

Also, how is your relationship generally? It seems like while the abortion is a big issue - there could be other things that are getting in the way of your sex drive that would be "issues" and affect sex in normal relationships too. Can you think of anything else that's in need of work between you two?

You said fear of someone touching you since the baby is gone. Is it because you haven't forgiven yourself for what you did? Are you afraid to have sex be fun again because you feel guilty for letting the baby go? Is it a fear of possibly getting pregnant again? I know for a lot of women who have children it affects sex drive because they fear getting pregnant again - and it seems logical for that to happen with women who get abortions too. You don't want to risk a pregnancy, and it happened before, so you know it can happen again if you're sexually active. The easiest way to avoid that is to avoid sex altogether.

Just some things to ponder.