I can't do this alone..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2012
I can't do this alone..
6
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 11:32pm
I am 24 years old, single mom to a soon to be six year old. My boyfriend is 29 single father to a 6 year old. We have been together on and off for going on 5 years. I have a good job and support my son and I in our own apartment. My boyfriend is a DJ who makes anywhere between $700 to $3000 a month and is having trouble keeping a roommate in a house he couldn't afford without one. Our relationship is tomoltuous but we love each other deeply.
I'm ashamed to say that we have had 3 abortions since we've been together. Neither of us were ready to bring another child into the mix. I just found out I was pregnant yet again and cannot stand the thought of going through it another time. He flipped out when I told him, he broke up with me, blamed me and basically told me he wants me to have another abortion. He said if I have this baby I'll not only ruin his life but the lives of the children we each have from previous relationships. He thinks I'll try to sabotage his career and control his life. I want this baby but I feel like I need to make a decision soon and I don't know what to do. All I can do is cry about it. I'd like to hear others' experiences if you have a similar situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Wed, 01-18-2012 - 9:45pm
Sorry, I thought I replied to this yesterday and have come to find out that I didn't! First off, welcome to this board. This is a great group of women. Hopefully some of the other posters will chime in with their experiences.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in the position of having to make the choice yet again. I've had one abortion, and I'm not sure it's an experience I would care to repeat. I cannot imagine having to go through that same decision more than once. It's got to have been tough.

I guess what I'll offer to you is this. Your boyfriend certainly should have known that by having sex after the first, second, or third pregnancy that another pregnancy was an option. If he was so opposed to having a child, after finding out that he was still capable of it, he could have taken precautions. He's certainly not blameless in this - and he is every bit as much to blame if his life is "ruined," as he puts it. I'm sorry, but if you play, you have to be willing to pay - as it really isn't his decision whether or not you keep the baby.

That said, I've been in the position of being a single mom to a much younger child when I was looking at adding a child into the mix. For me, I tried to consider the quality of life I could give the child I had, and I knew that for me, I would be able to parent one child the way I wanted, but not a second. It was just financially unworkable. I also considered the relationship the child and I would have with the father. In my case, the dad wanted to be a part of his child's life - but I knew it wasn't someone I would want to raise a child with. We came from different worlds.

I guess you have some soul searching to do. Do what YOU really want. Trust your heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2011
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 11:39am

I'm sorry you're in this situation yet again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 11:46pm
Thanks Boondock for bringing up a good point - a new form of birth control would maybe be a good thing, since repeated pregnancies and abortions are probably not great for the body.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2012
Sat, 01-21-2012 - 5:35pm
Hi ladies, thank you for the welcome. I know I kind of just jumped in without introducing myself. I appreciate your replies and kind words. I've actually been on birth control consistently since I lost my virginity when I was 16. I've tried every different form, nuva ring, mirena, different types of pills. The more effective forms of birth control seemed to have the worst side effects on me. I have asked my doctor several times why I get pregnant while using birth control and they've said I have an extremely irregular cycle. The Mirena was the only form I've never gotten pregnant while using for obvious reasons but I kept getting really painful ovarian cysts. Which now seems like such a smaller problem than getting pregnant when I'm not ready. My cousin and my aunt have had the same exact problems. I've decided not to have this baby as I am training to be a sexual assault victim advocate and know I can't respond to calls in the middle of the night with a newborn baby. As for my boyfriend I've taken a serious look at whether he really is the person I want to be with because I feel like if he isn't ready for another baby now, he may never be ready and that is not what I look for in a potential life partner. I am going to start counseling because the emotional repercussions of terminating so many pregnancies over the last four years has been traumatizing. Can I ask what has been the most helpful for you ladies in coping with this? I've never taken the steps necessary to take care of myself emotionally and I know I will soon need it now more than ever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2011
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 9:28am

Yuck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Sun, 01-29-2012 - 11:08pm

I can't have any birth control but a copper IUD, so I sympathize with your predicament. It stinks!