This may be the most horrible I have ever felt...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2012
This may be the most horrible I have ever felt...
1
Sun, 12-23-2012 - 3:18am

Hi there. I don't know if anyone reads or replies to these boards, but I really need to write my feelings down, if for no other reason than that I need to clarify what is going on in my head right now.

I am absolutely terrified of what the next week has in store for me. I am approximately five weeks pregnant. I am 20 years old, a year away from graduating nursing school, and I have a full time job as a manager at McDonald's. I have been with my wonderful fiancee for three years, and I never thought that something like this could happen to us. I love him and he loves me, and honestly I love our baby even though I don't know a thing about it and it's barely more than a clump of cells. I hate to admit that I love it, because I am scheduled for a medication abortion this coming Thursday. I do nothing but lay awake and cry with my puppy every night, as my fiancee works third shift and I am always alone at night. I know that logically there is no way for us to support this child. I would be due right as I was going into my last semester of nursing school and I would lose everything if I discontinued my education to have this baby. I honestly thought that we were being careful, except for the one single time...I know exactly when I got pregnant because it was the one time we didn't do everything by the book and use all of our precautions. I can't believe I could have been so stupid. I have absolutely no way to support a child, we live in a tiny 500 sq. ft. house with only one bedroom, and we barely make enough to get by as it is. I love my life, or I did up until last Friday when I took my pregnancy test. I really don't want to do this. Every time I discuss it with my fiancee he steers me toward the direction of abortion, no matter what feelings I express to him. I know that he is right. I am a type 1 diabetic, and I am currently under very poor control. I know that continuing with this pregnancy could be drastically dangerous to my health and that of the baby's. I know that he doesn't want to lose me altogether through my efforts to continue and give birth to a baby that we can't afford anyway. I can't afford to take the time off of work, I can't afford to pay hospital bills and pay for all of the prenatal care. I can't afford to tell my family how I've let them down and gone off and gotten pregnant when I was supposed to succeed in life unlike my mother and my grandmother who both dropped out of college because they had babies too young. I can't afford for everyone who loves me to turn their back on me when they find out how badly I've screwed up. I'm horrified of what could happen to me if I keep this baby, and I'm even more horrified of what will happen to me emotionally if I consent to the killing of this thing that is growing inside of me and that I secretly love, no matter how badly my fiancee wants it to go away. He tells me that if I really want to keep it that it is up to me and he will tough it out with me, but I know deep down he doesn't mean it and that he fully expects me to take the easy way out. I know that if I keep this child he will resent me forever, and I know that there is no way that he will love it the same way that I do. I can already see that he doesn't love it, and I would be so ashamed to bring a child into the world whose father doesn't love it, as this is a pain that I know all too well. I don't want my baby to suffer that way. I just wish that I could take everything back. I want to undo this pregnancy but most of all I want to undo the decision to abort. I know that it isn't too late until I take the pills on Thursday, but I also know that my body is not a happy place to be living right now with all of the stress and diabetes and tobacco that is raging on inside of me. I know that no matter what I do I will be entirely disappointed with myself for allowing myself to be this vulnerable. I don't know if I will ever be able to look at my fiancee the same way when dealing with the feeling that he has coerced me into this abortion. I sometimes feel so overwhelmed that all I can do is stare at the ceiling and rub my tummy and, silly though it may be, hold on and love this little being inside of me the best I can while it is still there, until the very time when everything comes out and I know that my baby is truly gone. I feel as though my grief is far too complicated for something that is just a little package of soft tissue, and yet I feel as though I weep for something much greater as I lay here alone every night.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  Several of my friends had abortions and are very glad they did as it would have stymied their education and subsequent careers.   The good is that afterward you can choose (if you have insurance) the best in birth control.  A prescription for the birth control implant or other foolproof will prevent such a "brain fade " in the future.

Goldfish