This may be the most horrible I have ever felt...
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|Sun, 12-23-2012 - 3:18am|
Hi there. I don't know if anyone reads or replies to these boards, but I really need to write my feelings down, if for no other reason than that I need to clarify what is going on in my head right now.
I am absolutely terrified of what the next week has in store for me. I am approximately five weeks pregnant. I am 20 years old, a year away from graduating nursing school, and I have a full time job as a manager at McDonald's. I have been with my wonderful fiancee for three years, and I never thought that something like this could happen to us. I love him and he loves me, and honestly I love our baby even though I don't know a thing about it and it's barely more than a clump of cells. I hate to admit that I love it, because I am scheduled for a medication abortion this coming Thursday. I do nothing but lay awake and cry with my puppy every night, as my fiancee works third shift and I am always alone at night. I know that logically there is no way for us to support this child. I would be due right as I was going into my last semester of nursing school and I would lose everything if I discontinued my education to have this baby. I honestly thought that we were being careful, except for the one single time...I know exactly when I got pregnant because it was the one time we didn't do everything by the book and use all of our precautions. I can't believe I could have been so stupid. I have absolutely no way to support a child, we live in a tiny 500 sq. ft. house with only one bedroom, and we barely make enough to get by as it is. I love my life, or I did up until last Friday when I took my pregnancy test. I really don't want to do this. Every time I discuss it with my fiancee he steers me toward the direction of abortion, no matter what feelings I express to him. I know that he is right. I am a type 1 diabetic, and I am currently under very poor control. I know that continuing with this pregnancy could be drastically dangerous to my health and that of the baby's. I know that he doesn't want to lose me altogether through my efforts to continue and give birth to a baby that we can't afford anyway. I can't afford to take the time off of work, I can't afford to pay hospital bills and pay for all of the prenatal care. I can't afford to tell my family how I've let them down and gone off and gotten pregnant when I was supposed to succeed in life unlike my mother and my grandmother who both dropped out of college because they had babies too young. I can't afford for everyone who loves me to turn their back on me when they find out how badly I've screwed up. I'm horrified of what could happen to me if I keep this baby, and I'm even more horrified of what will happen to me emotionally if I consent to the killing of this thing that is growing inside of me and that I secretly love, no matter how badly my fiancee wants it to go away. He tells me that if I really want to keep it that it is up to me and he will tough it out with me, but I know deep down he doesn't mean it and that he fully expects me to take the easy way out. I know that if I keep this child he will resent me forever, and I know that there is no way that he will love it the same way that I do. I can already see that he doesn't love it, and I would be so ashamed to bring a child into the world whose father doesn't love it, as this is a pain that I know all too well. I don't want my baby to suffer that way. I just wish that I could take everything back. I want to undo this pregnancy but most of all I want to undo the decision to abort. I know that it isn't too late until I take the pills on Thursday, but I also know that my body is not a happy place to be living right now with all of the stress and diabetes and tobacco that is raging on inside of me. I know that no matter what I do I will be entirely disappointed with myself for allowing myself to be this vulnerable. I don't know if I will ever be able to look at my fiancee the same way when dealing with the feeling that he has coerced me into this abortion. I sometimes feel so overwhelmed that all I can do is stare at the ceiling and rub my tummy and, silly though it may be, hold on and love this little being inside of me the best I can while it is still there, until the very time when everything comes out and I know that my baby is truly gone. I feel as though my grief is far too complicated for something that is just a little package of soft tissue, and yet I feel as though I weep for something much greater as I lay here alone every night.