I Realized I Am Being Verbally Abused in my Marriage, Pleaes Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2008
I Realized I Am Being Verbally Abused in my Marriage, Pleaes Help
9
Sun, 02-16-2014 - 1:51am

I posted recently in "surviving divorce and separation" http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/relationship-problems/surviving-divorce-separation/surviving-divorce-separation/should-i-wait-it-out-or-end-my-marriage-very-confused-need-help

I have been feeling like I've been going crazy while communicating with my husband.  He constantly blames me for everything and makes me feel like every argument is my fault. Yesterday, he was in the kitchen eating a bagel.  I asked if it was the last one.  He said no.  I knew there was another pack of bagels in the refrigerator but he was eating a bagel right out of the package.  I went into the kitchen and saw that he was eating the last bagel in that package.  I said, "you are eating the last bagel."  He said, "No, open the goddam refrigerator!"  I said, why do you have to be so mean when you talk to me?  He said it was my tone that made him respond like that.  Then he got up and went into the bedroom and got his pillow and went into the guest room.  I followed him in and reminded him that when he returned home after a short break we took he had said that he didnt want to fight and realized he did not always have to be right.  He said, "you are f***ing batsh*t!"  I went into the bedroom and started to cry.  I wondered, why did I have to ask about the bagel?  Why is he treating me like this? 

This happens all the time.  He says I'm crazy and unstable.  I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.  If you read my earlier post, you'll see that I did see another man during our marriage but he forgave me, or so he said (I was not on medication at the time and was having manic episodes, I am now on medication and am stable).  I also was raped after that.  I feel he is now taking it out on me and making me live in torture.  I question myself all the time and wonder what I could have said or done to make him so angry at me.  He blows up for no reason and then takes off for Las Vegas for the weekend, without me, to see his family or leaves to go driving or go somewhere, I don't know where.  He tells me it's my fault, because I am arguing or starting fights but all I'm ever doing is trying to explain my feelings.  He says that he is a laid-back guy with everyone else but I make him angry and I make him fight.  He says when you keep poking at a dog it will bite so he is justified at being mean to me.  He says things like "I am at full liberty to bash your face in" when he gets angry with me for saying or doing things like locking him out when he is screaming at me (I only locked him out a few minutes).  He has made other threats like he wants to tie me up and make me watch him bash his head in with a hammer.  Then he says he doesn't really mean these things. All I do is ask him questions like "what are you doing today," "why are you being so quiet?"  Then he attacks me with a verbal assault.  I question myself all the time and feel so confused because I don't understand what I can do to make things go smoothly and make our relationship good again.  

He owns two guns and I don't exactly feel safe in the house because of all this anger he has toward me.  I am trying to figure out how to get out of this relationship but I am overwhelmed and it's hard to do this.  I only know one person in the city I'm in because I quit my job to move here to be with him.  That friend lives with her parents so I can't stay with her.  He is in the Navy and refuses to stay on the ship.  We don't have money for me to stay in a hotel.  After al the threats he made of shooting people and tieing me up I stayed in a hotel but I came home.  He said he was going to stay on the ship so that we could take a long break because he didn't want a divorce but he came home after two days and then started little jabs at me.  He said that he has had to support me during my unemployment.  He said I am pathetic and have turned into someone dependent on him.  (I have taken a while to get back to applying for jobs after being raped).  He made me feel like a burden.  I told him he hurt my feelings and he just turned it around on me and was screaming at me all sorts of insults.  I felt so bad that night I almost wanted to go to the hospital.  I just want this torture to end. 

Avatar for cmkarla
Administrator
Registered: 01-03-2001

HI Kitty,

If he is making threats toward you then you need to leave. Please call the Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE where professionals are available to help you.

You can also find help at:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women

Make the call today. You don't have to take this kind of treatment from anyone.

Please check in often and let us know how you are doing.

Karla
Community ModeratoriVillage.com

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001

Hi Kitty,

I was just wondering how you are doing?

~hugs~

<3

Nightangel
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001

Awesome Post Karla...

<3

Lorie

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2008

I'm trying to stay strong.  I don't think he has any desire to change.  His other problem is that he drinks heavily and that also really bothers me.  Sometimes a whole bottle of wine a day or 6-10 beers at a time.  He has a lot of problems.  I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I accepted it and take my medication.  But he won't accept his issues.  He puts on a facade with other people and takes out all his anger and aggression on me.

I have made a plan to leave my marriage.  I can't take this and it is not healthy for my mental state.  I have overwhelming anxiety where it feels like I'm having a heart attack and I can't breathe.  It's that "crazy-making" that he does to me.  I actually tried to suggest that we do something fun together to try to make the mood in the house better and he didn't want to.  He won't touch me or be affectionate.  He has rejected me. 

It's hard for me to maintain my self-esteem and think that I am better than all this but I am going to counseling.  I need to remember that I don't deserve this treatment.  It's hard because I was so into my marriage and into making it work but it is never going to.  I plan to move in with my sister, who lives in another state, and have him served with divorce papers after I leave so that he does not fly into a rage and take it out on me when served.  That was the lawyer's suggestion.  I hope that I can stay strong during this!  Thanks for your support. 

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001

~hugs~

<3

Nightangel
Avatar for cmkarla
Administrator
Registered: 01-03-2001

Kitty, I am so glad to hear you have a plan and are getting legal advice from a professional. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Karla
Community ModeratoriVillage.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2014

Wow I just can't believe how Similar our story's sound.  I have been with my husband for 14 yrs total and married for over 9 and I'm am just new informed of having been verbally abused our whole marriage and def.  Part of the dating. I came A website taking avoid verbal abuse and control and couldn't believe eyes. .. it sounded exactly like my marriage!!!! for a cple yrs we had a really gOod relationship and then it changed mostly afterthe 2nd child was born.  We have 3 . My Husband has always tUrned feeling talks n2  an argument and I Al ways got so frustrated w him often leading me confused and heartbroken that he just wasn't understanding me and told me "you r just trying to start a fight or argument" which I would respond that no just trying to tell you my feelings.   He would def make me feel like I was n the wrong and id Pretty much shut up and go to ba diff room.   I can't tell u how many x i heard that throughout the yrs along with many other phrases the ABuser makes.   He has also played so many games with our sex life that's it had begun to tear us Apart. He too has rejected me at his convenience and I have felt really stupid when he'sdone that.  I had never turNed him dOwn but I did for the 1st x about 5 months ago. I just don't feel it w him anymore and it's crazy to think th just I used to think I needed him so bad and would beg him pretty much to show me some love.  He did during those first yrs before marriage and until burg of 2nd child so why couldn't he now and my agenda pretty much always revolved around making him happy but never did he inturn fill my request!!  He's a really gOod provider and a great dad for the most part just my main prb w that is all the yelling lectures and the TONE of his voice at them! !! He has lil to no patience w our 7 yr old who his hyperactive. He makes mean comments then says I'm to blame,  sometimes it's  h he's joking or im taking it to personal or he's just making an observation and blah blah blah.   SAys I'm unstable when I cry,  I'm bad for getting upset over it Thad I can't control myself which is a sign of a mental illness,  im crazy,  jokes about me behind my back which I find out on his phone which he hides from me now.   He's looked n my phone plenty! !!now I'm at a crossroads I don't know what to do should I leave or should I stay I can't believe finding this out after so many years! I can front of him via text and all he can say is how insignificant as and has never even mentioned it to me and this is like 6 days ago when I started in but now she's trying to make up with me which I'm not having any part of! I see him differently now and I don't know what to think about them from everything I read which was about 20 articles they say a person like him is there may be some narcissistic controlling overt behavior there's so many they say they are calculate to have in their targets and they just make them sound so bad so now you know I've never been afraid of him I'm kinda scared! I don't know if I should be scared today when he was leaving for work he try to grab me to give me a kiss but I refused and the thing that scared me about that was the way he grabbed my arm when I was pulling away, it was rather hardand I could still feel it moments later! I got the feeling that he was pissed that I wasn't given to him like I usually do give him a kiss and make things better! For me I don't know things are going to get better I am so confused and don't know what to do please help and I would like to continue corresponding with you to see how you are in doing too! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2014
Sorry my text didn't sound clear without periods where needed. Hate this new app fur typing! !! Hopefully u understand it well. I Mean he is a narcissist, And has an invert personality disorder to where he's so nice, well mannered and charming around family and friends but a complete jerk 80% of the x at home. That's scary right? ! I Mean if these type of people r smart enough to know the diff then obviously it's That they find wasn't to b nice at home where they can get away w this crazy crap. A
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2014

He also withholds affection and has for yrs. , telling me that "it doesnt come naturally to him".  Like  really u fn bastard uve done it before. .  I totally stopped all affection to him after my daughter was born 2.5 yrs.  Ago.   It makes me feel better bcuz then im not giving Any either, which he thoroughly seemed to enjoy unless he was playing his video game of course.   Is That was these people tend to do, play video games.   Every since I confronted him about the abuse via text, he's been on the ps pretty much the last 4 days.   He's a coward and hasn't said one word about it since I got home from the weekend which was when I sent him a few texts accusing him of verbally abusing me on sat.   He seemed pissed off and on troughout this x but has made a cple attempts at me,  obviously thinking things are gonna go away like they usually do for him,  u know what I  mean!!  I always ended up apologizing Just to clear the air and lessen the tension!!! Even though i only blew up in the 1st place bcuz of something he said and bcuz he wouldn't listen to me about my feelings after He's insulted me! !!!  Hate him! He's continuously starting arguments and then blaming me for them and making me look crazy around the kids! !   Sounds familiar Huh? !  I feel like i have more hate b then live for him Dont know if I need to b afraid for my life our anything but I just keep thinking about the warnings I've read about these sick individuals! !! Also he has been a sheriff's deputy for 10 yrs so he owns a cple guns too!!!  also i noticed i was becoming like him and my 11 yr old has repeated comments he's made as well.  Do i explain to my son that he's being abusive and not to copy him,  Do i Giv up completely. ....What should I do? I thought i knew him and That he was overall a good person and that he has a great job and id b stupid not to stay with him. Ughhh was I so blind! !!!