alone

This is a copy of what I just posted on the depression board. It was easier to copy it than to try to say it all again.

Thanks Zoe. I appreciate your support and understanding. I made it through today a little bit better. Tried to get through doing some things around the house. I could do some things, but the whole issue was always at the back of my mind and couldn't quite focus. That being said, I think trying to do other things was better than lying in bed crying all day. I had some breakdowns and very tearful moments, but tried to go on to do a few things. Kept it easy, nothing challenging, nothing requiring much brain power or energy as I didn't have it in me. I did call the therapist on-call eventually. It was a while before he had the chance to call me back (as he was seeing clients). When he called I was much calmer than I had been earlier, yet it still helped me to talk with him a bit about it all. He encouraged me to keep trying to do things, and to give myself a break if I couldn't put 100% into whatever I was doing. I do a great job of being hard on myself and he encouraged me to be nice to myself. Abandonment issues are major triggers for me. He'd also called my therapist. The on-call therapist will be on-call all weekend and said it's okay to call if I need to. If on Monday I'm still this upset my therapist will fit me into his schedule. So I feel better knowing I have support there. It really helps a lot. I also sat down and wrote a card and letter to my psychiatrist. I was thinking about what he must be going through to suddenly lose his job. I feel terrible for him and I do care and I wanted him to know that. So I wrote out the nice card, and then added a letter with some info on how I was trying to get in to see him whenever he starts at his new office. I think it helped me to look at things from his perspective. This is hell for me, but this guy just suddenly was fired without notice. He's got to be going through a lot and I feel very badly for him. He's such a nice guy, such a good doctor and I do about how this affects him and wanted him to know. I did actually mail this to him (it wasn't just a write it out to feel better exercise; I wanted him to know I cared, despite it being hard for me, I knew it was worse for him). Somehow doing that helped. The on-call therapist kept reminding me that I will get through this, I've gotten through worse before,and I can make it. At this point I'm hoping he's right. I'm feeling better knowing I have support through this if I need it I'm still not talking to friends or family about this. I've been avoiding people all week. I think that's okay for now. I just need time to let the feelings lessen and then try to do more of my regular life. I also think I'll go back through my STEPPS and Stairways material this weekend and try to find some helpful things I once learned. Thanks Zoe.

All the feelings have come back tonight and I cannot seem to clear my head of them. Too late to call the on-call therapist-or I wouldn't do that to him anyway. Trying to muddle through. Afraid Dr. R hates me, so worried I did something wrong to get him fired, so worried it's all my fault. I hate this. I MAY be able to see him again someday, but I just don't know for sure. If I had an appointment date I'd feel so much better. The abandonment buttons have been being pushed all day and just get stronger.

I'm taking it personally. My rational mind--when it's working--tells me I'm being silly, this really has nothing to do with me. Yet when I get upset and it all hits me, my feelings tell me stupid things and make it all worse. This whole thing has triggered so many past abandonment issues and SA issues and how it must be my fault. I've got to fight the feelings, and I've been working on that all weekend. I got along really well with Dr. R, he was always quite helpful and caring. He always told me he couldn't wait for my appointments as I was one of the few patients who was honest and realized what my issues were, and I could joke about them. He was always very kind. I know this is beyond his control and not what he wanted to happen, and he'd have changed all this if he could have. I have to hold onto that. During a dark time today I was able to talk with the therapist on-call again. That was helpful, to be able to talk it through again. He and I can both see that today I'm doing better than when I spoke to him on Thursday. I just have to keep plugging away at this messed up thinking.

Thanks.