Anyone else?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Anyone else?
Thu, 08-29-2013 - 9:23am

I've found myself lately feeling stressed and it goes to my stomach.    My husband came home with a pair of shorts that looked just like one's my rapist had.  I wanted to tear the shorts to pieces.  I couldn't stand to look at them.   In April it will be 12 years since it happened.  Difficult part was it wasn't an isolated incident.  It was part of his routine and I stayed in that mess for longer than I probably should have but when I finally got out of it, it took the police and restraining orders.  He wasn't wanting us to break up.  

Anyway, I'm finding myself with all this frustration but I feel like I can't direct it at him, only at the things that remind me of him.  Like somehow the only one responsible was me and I shouldn't be angry with him.   In my head I know that's not right, that maybe I could have done things differently but I can't change what happened any more than he can but I thought I'd moved on and had forgiven him and now that I'm trying to finally get somewhere with therapy and get better and not stay so isolated and alone (even though I"m married).  It's just bringing up everything to the surface.

I know there is no timeline for healing but I'm frustrated that he's still in my head after all these years.  

Anyone else struggling right now?