Engaged to someone who was sexually abused as a child....

sjp
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2011
Engaged to someone who was sexually abused as a child....
2
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 10:12pm

Hi

I'm looking to get some perspective from you as to how the abuse effects your sexual relationships. My Finace has told me about his experiences but never seem to be able to have a conversation about what exactly he is feeling about it. We are currently in counselling to work out some other issues and the sex issue came up this week but it didn't go very well, he was very defensive and didn't have much to say. We do have sex every 2-3 weeks on average but sometimes it will be 5-6 weeks like now. We had sex at least once a week for the first 6 months of our relationship but it started to drop off right around the time we were making firm plans for him to move in with me, we have been together for almost 4 years now. I find it pretty difficult knowing we used to have more sex and I would have to say a lot of it is not neccessarily the frequency but the fact that I have been rejected by him so many times I feel really horrible about my body and the whole thing. I tried at first to work at it but have given up for the most part over the last couple of years, I hardly ever try to initiate which he said once made it worse because he already has issues but I just couldn't take the hurt anymore. Most of the time if I tried something he would say not tonight, tomorrow after work or something like that and we would but it was scheduled and it made me feel like I was a chore. Often when we do have sex it is a verbal invitation rather than him putting the moves on me. He says he wants me but I just don't think I understand how he can want me but not want to have sex with me. He will not go to counselling for it, I said I need to be able to talk to him about it and I would like to be able to think there is maybe an 80% chance he would go for it if I tried

sjp
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2011

Thank you for sharing. I think I am going to give him some time and see if he brings it up to me, I think I've been very clear that I need to talk about it and I guess that is all I can do. Pushing him will just make things worse.

Community Leader
Registered: 06-02-2008
Hello Sarah,

Thank you for being will to share your situation with the board.

Everyone approaches and reacts to sex and intimacy in different ways after having experienced sexual abuse.

Speaking from my own experience, the physical aspect of my marriage is a work in progress. I've been married for 5 years and for the first 3 years sex was pretty much non-existent. Which was quite difficult on my husband and he could probably relate to how you feel rejected. To be honest it made me feel bad to know that he was in essence paying for what someone else had done.

It took quite some time and therapy before i could really feel that I could trust my husband, that he wasn't going to rape me. When that sunk in, I was able to work on becoming comfortable with being touched in general and then having sex. It also took some time to work through the scared feelings, sick feelings , memories and tears that would come up. Sometimes it was a lot of starting and stopping and waiting and trying again.

I've gotten to the point where I can initiate sex but the mood hits me once a month if that. If my husband initiates I can sometimes find the mood but not always.

I can understand your frustration at your fiance not wanting to talk about this in counseling but I can also understand the issues that could be going on as to why he might not want to. I personally didn't think there was a problem (I was avoiding the issue) until my marriage almost fell apart. My husband had been keeping his feelings about things bottled up and one day I got my eyes opened to a lot of how he felt and it made me realize that for as much as I was hurting he was too in his own way.


I wish you and your fiance the best as you worth through this difficult time.

.












Zoe

Community Leader - Sexual Abuse Healing

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