I just need some advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
I just need some advice!
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 3:38pm

I don't know where I'm supposed to turn next but something bad is going to happen... if it's not already happening. My sister is best friends with a man that has been giving my mom and me both really bad vibes since we met him. After discovering how close he is to my 6-year-old niece, we started calling around to find out WHO this guy is. And, he's bad. Really bad. He served 190 days in another state for sexual misconduct with a minor under 14. What exactly that entailed, I don't know. There have been other suspicions in other states but nothing stuck. Scared victims is what his sister said. She was hurt by both him and his father when she was a child. And their father is currently serving in Texas for 3 child rapes with 4 more pending.

He's on probation right now. He's in his 2nd year of a 5 year probation sentence but we've been talking to someone in the county AND with his probation officer and for some reason, it isn't listed that he cannot be around a minor so there's nothing they can do to help us. They told us to keep digging... to give them something they can use. Because, he has hit on every red flag they have.

He even told his brother-in-law (who in turn, told my mother when she found his number and called for info about him)... that my sister and her husband aren't doing well and he's going to move into the picture and be my niece's new daddy. He'll have access to her. But this is hearsay and cannot do anything to help her, we were told.

I don't know where to go next. I feel like we're digging up a bunch of NOTHING right now and my sister is taking HIS side. She even took my niece away from the rest of our family. She already lost custody of her 2 oldest and my mom's raising them but for some reason, the county didn't take my niece away too. I'm really panicking now and thought that turning to a board with ladies who may have been where my niece is before might help. Am I missing a step somewhere?

I can't sleep at night thinking my niece will come to me someday and know I knew she was going to get hurt and couldn't stop it! My 14yo nephew told my mom that this man already slept in my niece's room once because they all slept over and there was nowhere else to sleep. He said he was going to protect her. But we can't prove anything happened.

I know this isn't the right board to be on but I need help. I really need help. PLEASE if you have any idea who I can turn to next, let me know. We live in Minnesota. We've already spoken with the sexual offense social worker in our county, his probation officer, and now our town police are running a nationwide search but again, his probation doesn't limit his contact with children so what will that help? Where else can I go to protect my niece?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 12-21-2010 - 9:25am
Gosh, it sounds like you've contacted everyone you can. I don't know the circumstances surrounding why your parents are caring for your sister's children, but perhaps you can be put in touch with their case worker to find out if there's something more than can be done to protect your niece.

Another thought I have is that maybe you can invite your niece to your house for a play date, and perhaps talk to her and your boys reminding them about good touch/bad touch and that it's ok to tell you if anyone ever makes them feel uncomfortable, or hurts them. I'm thinking this would be a good way to "feel out" if anything has already happened as well as reminding her that you're ther for her.

Congratulations on expecting baby #4! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Tue, 12-21-2010 - 5:30pm

Hi my name is Brenda and I am the cl here, sorry I didn't get to your post earlier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 4:06pm

I don't know that I have much to add, however, I do understand the frustration how the police can't act unless a crime has been comitted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Mon, 01-03-2011 - 9:59am

Thank you so much for your replies! Our local police discovered one small thing in his probation after days of searching through his past. He cannot be with a minor without prior consent from his probation officer. And, his PO called him and told him he's not allowed around the kids in our family. As far as we can tell, he's obeyed... but we can't know for sure and my sister wouldn't exactly own up to it. And no, I don't have access to my niece anymore. My sister even pulled her out of the school she was going to with my oldest (they're in the same grade) and started sending her half an hour away. My mom and I are both terrified that it's because she's hiding something. But how on earth could a mother not just let her child get hurt but assist in hiding it? The idea makes my stomach hurt.

If we do discover that this man's around my niece for any amount of time, we're supposed to call the police and his PO said he'd be extradicted out of state to serve his full sentence. We're checking... driving past houses with our cell cameras ready (time, date, and gps location enabled). My dad drives past several times a day because he's certain he'll find something.

She lost custody of her two boys the day after her 12yo was born and the nurses were concerned about marks that showed up on her newborn's face. My nephew has scars from those marks... gashes in his cheek. They futher investigated and both of her boys were given to my mom because of gross negligence and possible abuse. Yet, they won't do a thing for my niece. We've been calling them. She has to hurt her first or we have to have proof that she allowed her to get hurt.

My sister emailed me yesterday and told me I won't have to worry about them anymore because they're moving to Louisiana. So now, they're leaving the state?? I called my mom with the info immediately and she called my sister's ex husband and father of my niece. He's calling the courts to prevent her from removing his daughter from the state. It just keeps continuing.

And of course I'm here for her. I have to be. She doesn't have anyone other than my parents and me. And now, my sister's trying to make it so she doesn't even have us. My niece was touched by my sister's other male friend when he was giving her a bath. She told me about it when she was spending the night once. I went to my sister with it and she called her a liar and said she can't trust anything that comes out of her mouth because she loves to tell stories. I still demanded that my sister take her to see the child psychologist and I went with them... but there wasn't any proof and it was obvious my sister had coached my niece on how to explain it. I was furious and nothing happened to protect her.

I can't believe how hard it is to protect children. And, I'm just so thankful my kids have my husband and me because I would rip someone apart if they so much as looked cross-eyed at them.

Thanks for the advice! And for listening to me vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 1:33pm
How are things going now Elizabeth? Did your sister & niece actually end up moving?

I hope this acquaintence of your sister has stayed far away from them.

Let us know how it's going.