A rough night

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
A rough night
8
Sun, 08-19-2012 - 10:09am

For some reason last night was a really difficult night. 

I'm past an anniversary date by a few days but I suppose that doesnt really matter if my brain has decided to continue on  with intrusive thoughts.

I suppose it doesn't help that I keep things that are bothering me to myself most of the time too. 

I guess the more time that passes from what happened, the less I feel I can talk about it.   I know that's more of a self-imposed rule than anything anyone has told me.   Ironic isn't it.  I'm  CL of a board claiming to be "a safe place to share"  and I find it hard to talk myself. 

Perhaps the difficulty in expression comes from the fact I kept things to myself for a very long time.  

Now when it might be a good idea to talk, I can't seem to do anything but cry and when I am in a place to say something, the words don't seem to come. 

I guess the point of all this is to ask for some prayers to help me get through whatever all this is that seems to be going on in my head right now.

All this being said, I tend to be more effective supporting someone else than I am myself so if someone is reading this and feels they can't share too, please know that sometimes it is even more help to me to be able to respond to someone else since often times what I end up saying to someone else ends up being what I need to hear for me too.

If you want to type something about yourself but don't feel you can, I can sympathize and I hope things are going to be ok for you. 

Guess I've said all there is to say for now.

If you've read this - thank you. 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 10:09am

Hey there Zoe. Sorry things are difficult for you now.

I know what you mean about as time passes the less you feel you can talk about it. My therapist and I have been through so much of the SA stuff and he's said several times, as encouragement, that we've been through all that. But sometimes things pop up or are upsetting or I remember some little detail about it and want to tell him, but keep remembering his words that we've been through it. Again, he has said that to encourage met, not to stop me from talking about it, but I start assuming it means I should never bring up anything related to SA.

My therapist has always said that can't NOT think about something. If I tell you not to think about a pink and green zebra, that's what comes to mind. The only way to get your mind on something else is to focus on something else. It's the whole distraction thing. Try to find other things to focus on that keep your mind active.

Have you tried journaling? Is there anyone you can talk to or just sit and cry with? Do you have a therapist you see?

I'll keep you in my prayers, Zoe. Even if it's just a quick sentance or two, let us know how you're doing. Take care of YOU!

allie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 7:26pm
babydance98 wrote:

Hey there Zoe. Sorry things are difficult for you now.

I know what you mean about as time passes the less you feel you can talk about it. My therapist and I have been through so much of the SA stuff and he's said several times, as encouragement, that we've been through all that. But sometimes things pop up or are upsetting or I remember some little detail about it and want to tell him, but keep remembering his words that we've been through it. Again, he has said that to encourage met, not to stop me from talking about it, but I start assuming it means I should never bring up anything related to SA.

My therapist has always said that can't NOT think about something. If I tell you not to think about a pink and green zebra, that's what comes to mind. The only way to get your mind on something else is to focus on something else. It's the whole distraction thing. Try to find other things to focus on that keep your mind active.

Have you tried journaling? Is there anyone you can talk to or just sit and cry with? Do you have a therapist you see?

I'll keep you in my prayers, Zoe. Even if it's just a quick sentance or two, let us know how you're doing. Take care of YOU!

allie

Thanks for responding and for the prayers.

Today was a bit better of a day. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 1:04am

Can you identify what made it better today? And can you repeat that tomorrow? And find some time to do something nice for yourself? I wish I could say more to help you. I'm sorry you're feeling badly and hope that you find some relief and comfort and a way to take your mind off this. Sending hugs your way ((((Zoe)))). Take care of you!

allie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 8:35am
babydance98 wrote:

Can you identify what made it better today? And can you repeat that tomorrow? And find some time to do something nice for yourself? I wish I could say more to help you. I'm sorry you're feeling badly and hope that you find some relief and comfort and a way to take your mind off this. Sending hugs your way ((((Zoe)))). Take care of you!

allie

After having made some accomplishments with things that I needed to do for work that helped me out.  I'm not sure if it was the distraction aspect or the sense of accomplishment at getting stuff done or a combination but that was part of what was behind it.  Then I guess I sometimes step back and put things into perspective -- There are lots of bad things in the world that happen, what happened to me was not pleasant but could have been much worse and I need to remember the good things I have in my life. 

Sometimes the struggles seem overwhelming and it's easy to get stuck in the unpleasant emotionsl roller and I know I can't avoid dealing with my feelings but I'm trying to work on finding the best way to deal with them and make progress without just feeling like I'm spinning in the mud and not moving anywhere. 

I know that there's been progress over the years but the last couple of days made it seem like any progress had vanished.  I know that isn't true but it felt like it. 

 

 

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 12:57pm

I feel as if I'm where you are, Zoe! I can do okay at times, get things done, focus on stuff that most be done and then the emotions overwhelm me. One thing a therapist once pointed out to me was that I could find positive things to say to anyone else (I was part of a group for awhile), so maybe I needed to try to look at me and my situation from "outside" myself and look at what advice and encouragment and support I'd tell that person. Easier said than done, I know. And sometimes I think how strong I had to be to get through SA and to have a pretty good life. I'm sure I have no advice you haven't heard before. Wish I could fix it for you. Just wanted to let you know I was here and thinking of you.

allie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 1:41pm
babydance98 wrote:

I feel as if I'm where you are, Zoe! I can do okay at times, get things done, focus on stuff that most be done and then the emotions overwhelm me. One thing a therapist once pointed out to me was that I could find positive things to say to anyone else (I was part of a group for awhile), so maybe I needed to try to look at me and my situation from "outside" myself and look at what advice and encouragment and support I'd tell that person. Easier said than done, I know. And sometimes I think how strong I had to be to get through SA and to have a pretty good life. I'm sure I have no advice you haven't heard before. Wish I could fix it for you. Just wanted to let you know I was here and thinking of you.

allie

Thanks.  And I agree that it's easier to be more compassionate /understanding when it comes to others than to myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 11:04am

So it's been a few days. How are you holding up? Have things improved any for you in the last few days? Thinking of you.

allie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 5:06pm
babydance98 wrote:

So it's been a few days. How are you holding up? Have things improved any for you in the last few days? Thinking of you.

allie

I appreciate your concern.  I guess I continue to have ups and downs.   I learned that my father in law might need surgery so that sort of snapped my focus away from my "stuff".