Is this sexual abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2012
Is this sexual abuse?
5
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 7:47pm

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and three months. We are (or, at least, were) madly in love. We had a great sex life. It was spontaneous and sexy. But recently, I've been lacking that special intimacy. I feel like sex is always about HIM. He fantasizes about other women in bed and tries to get me to join. I don't mean real people he's met in real life, but porn stars and famous people. I was okay with this at first because I thought he was just trying to introduce something new. But now, it's every time. He never focuses on me during sex. He never tries to pleasure me. I always go down on him, and he's never gone down on me once. I feel like we never connect and I feel emotionally distraught from it. I've tried confronting him about it and telling him I don't feel a connection when we have sex, but he just said that he feels connected and doesn't know how to make me feel the same. I feel like this is more LUST than LOVE. How can I fix this and how can I get him to realize what he's doing?

Avatar for cmkarla
Administrator
Registered: 01-03-2001
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 12:02pm

Hi Nicole,

Welcome to the board. According to the National Center for Victims of Crime, Sexual Abuse is: "Sexual assault takes many forms including attacks such as rape or attempted rape, as well as any unwanted sexual contact or threats. Usually a sexual assault occurs when someone touches any part of another person's body in a sexual way, even through clothes, without that person's consent. Some types of sexual acts which fall under the category of sexual assault include forced sexual intercourse (rape), sodomy (oral or anal sexual acts), child molestation, incest, fondling and attempted rape. Sexual assault in any form is often a devastating crime. Assailants can be strangers, acquaintances, friends, or family members. Assailants commit sexual assault by way of violence, threats, coercion, manipulation, pressure or tricks. Whatever the circumstances, no one asks or deserves to be sexually assaulted."

I'm not sure that what you are describing to us sounds like sexual abuse but if the above description pertains to your situation then you are in the right place and we will be happy to try to help you. It does however sound like you might find more support and information for your relationship issues on our Let's Talk About Sex message board where sexual issues between couples can be openly discussed.


Karla
Community ModeratoriVillage.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 11:43am
babydance98 wrote:
Zoe, I tried to find a way to private message you or send an email, but am not finding a way to do so. Is it possible the original post from Nicole can be removed. Your respose is fine, but there are times when I've not being doing well concerning the SA in the past and that post would have been graphic enough to send me over the edge. I can't imagine it's something SA survivors would want to come to this board to see. On the sex board, that's fine, but here it's just out of place.

I'll have to look into the email situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 9:17pm
Zoe, I tried to find a way to private message you or send an email, but am not finding a way to do so. Is it possible the original post from Nicole can be removed. Your respose is fine, but there are times when I've not being doing well concerning the SA in the past and that post would have been graphic enough to send me over the edge. I can't imagine it's something SA survivors would want to come to this board to see. On the sex board, that's fine, but here it's just out of place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 9:19pm
nicole64x3 wrote:

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and three months. We are (or, at least, were) madly in love. We had a great sex life. It was spontaneous and sexy. But recently, I've been lacking that special intimacy. I feel like sex is always about HIM. He fantasizes about other women in bed and tries to get me to join. I don't mean real people he's met in real life, but porn stars and famous people. I was okay with this at first because I thought he was just trying to introduce something new. But now, it's every time. He never focuses on me during sex. He never tries to pleasure me. I always go down on him, and he's never gone down on me once. I feel like we never connect and I feel emotionally distraught from it. I've tried confronting him about it and telling him I don't feel a connection when we have sex, but he just said that he feels connected and doesn't know how to make me feel the same. I feel like this is more LUST than LOVE. How can I fix this and how can I get him to realize what he's doing?

Hello Nicole,

I can understand your frustration at the lack of connection with your boyfriend during sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 6:22pm

No, this is not sexual abuse and I personally think you're on the wrong board. I think there's a board for people to discuss sexual problems. I'm sorry if I seem insensiitive, but calling this sexual abuse is insulting to those of us who were sexually abused. I wasn't sure when I read this if this was meant to be a cruel joke to put this on this board or not. This really isn't the place to discuss you sex life if you're not being raped or absued.