Still Don't Quite Understand Things

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2012
Still Don't Quite Understand Things
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 7:01pm

Hi all,

I would like to apologize in advance for the length of this post. Recently, I've just been overwhelmed with guilt, anger and have been questioning myself a whole lot. I will start off by saying the person who had taken advantage of me was a very close friend of mine.  In fact, he is the person who introduced me to my current BF who I have been with for 8 years now. This particular man and I worked together, I actually had gotten him a job with my company.   From the get go, he'd always flirt with me, tell me how he'd leave his GF for me and even tried to kiss me once while he was still seeing his girlfriend at the time.  Back then, I never really took his advances seriously.  He was not my type, more so like a big goofy brother and I never was attracted to him or thought much of anything about him.  He was just a good friend.  

A couple years go by, I am in a serious relationship with my BF (same one as now) who was also close friends with my "friend".  In the weeks prior to the incident, I recall the "friend" getting drunk and giving me a difficult time questioning me about why I chose my BF over him.  He was admittingly jealous of my BF, because he liked me and had for years.  Still, all was fine and I thought he was just being a pain in the butt and acting immature.  Even one night, he came to me and said "You're so cute, I wish I could kiss you", while my BF was in a room nearby.  I still didn't pay much mind to his advances, after all he was just a friend.

Now, the night of the incident is here.  I admit, I drank a bit in my early 20's..I think we all did.  BF, "friend" and I went out to a bar to watch our friends open mic night.  I had ONE drink, it was a small rum and coke. I felt fine, not buzzed or anything.  after all, being a 23 year old girl who drinks often, I wouldn't get drunk off of one drink.  After open mic, BF, "friend", myself and a couple other friends head back to my house for an "after party" of sorts.  I had one more drink @ home, it was a beer.  Everyone else was extremely drunk.  Next thing I know, I am  blacked out and asleep on the floor of my basement where we were partying.  This is not typical behavior for me. I typically will go up to my bed with BF after a night of hanging with friends. So, now I am asleep on the floor.  BF goes to bed upstairs, I guess he didn't think of carrying me up there with him, as we are supposed to feel safe around our friends and in our own house.  

This is where it gets odd. I wake up.  The "friend" is laying next to me on the floor, he is inside me.  But see, when I wake up, it's not a typical "wake up".  It was very odd. I knew what was going on but I couldn't move, I couldn't get him off me.  I remember saying "no" over and over, but "friend" is not stopping what he's doing.  He continues.  I don't know what happens from there because I "black out" once again. I do know he took advantage of me while I was sleeping though.  I KNOW I was not drunk. However, I cannot explain the feeling I had when I tried to get him off me.  It was like none of my muscles were working, I couldn't physically function.  I honestly believe till this day that "friend" drugged me or slipped something into that 1 beer I had when I returned home for the after party.

So, next day comes, I am scared to death as I do remember that small tidbit of me waking up and saying no, but I couldn't move. I asked "friend" what happened, he said I willingly slept with him but I know that is not the case. I know me, I know I am smart enough not to ever cheat on BF, smart enough not to ever get THAT drunk.  He of course denies it.  He leaves to go home, I head to the shower, scrub myself clean and cry.  "Friend" texts me the following day and tells me not to tell my BF.  I do tell my BF, he deserves to know what happened.  BF calls "friend" to confront him. "friend" never answers his phone.  He is a coward, he won't fess up.  BF is angry at me but honestly, I really had no idea what was going on.  His anger just made things worse for me. I needed someone to comfort me, not belittle me.  

I have never reported this,  half because I felt guilt, shame and also because "friend" is still close friends with a lot of mutual friends and I was afraid it would lead to our mutual friends getting mad at me.  BF and I no longer speak to him.  We hate him.  He's known for doing sketchy things, steals and has also been accused of raping another woman in my town after the incident with me.  However, she only confided this information to me.  She did not report this either for similar fears and because of her shame.  I don't know what to do now.  It's been 4 years. Looking back on it, I wish I had reported the incident, it would have prevented him doing the same thing to this other woman.  BF and I have recovered from this, thankfully but I still do think he holds me somewhat responsible for what had happened.  I had to see "friend" at a mutual friends wedding this past summer.  It was really the most difficult thing for me. I was nervous and shaking.  "friend" would try to stand near my dinner table at the wedding and intimidate me and my BF.  It's just the type of guy he is.  He is larger, he knows he is intimidating.  I want nothing more than to see him in jail. I still can't share with the majority of our mutual friends what he has done, I am afraid they won't believe me after all these years.  However, they do always ask me why I hate "friend" so much.  A select few know what had happened and they are supportive.  However, 4 years later I still wish I could have seen this coming. I wish I didn't drink those two drinks, especially that beer. I can't help but to feel I am somewhat responsible for what happened.  

I just wanted to vent, it felt good to get it all out after all these years. I appreciate you reading this. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 11:01pm

Hello Kenya,

No need to apologize for the length.  

It's not your fault that you were drugged.  The rapist is to blame.  I'm also sorry that you didn't get the support you needed from your boyfriend when you told him what happened.   It is never easy to go right to the police yet in hindsight it is normal to wish you'd done things differently, but the important thing to remember is that you did the best you could at the time.  Anyone he might have hurt after the fact, is definitely a difficult piece of information to sit with but ultimately the person who commits the crime is ultimately the one responsible so don't take on that responsbility.  

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 9:09pm

This was not your fault and you are not to blame.


What he did was wrong and he is "Accountable"...

I am so sorry you did not have the Support you needed from your b/f.

Do you think he also feels guilty himself for what happened?

Your "Friend" NOT is responsible for what happened to you and the other woman, not you.

What he did is inexcusable...

I would not worry about him.

Maybe he is afraid others will find out.

If he hadn't done anything wrong he would have had nothing to worry about...

He is a definitely not a friend...:(...