What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
What do I do?
3
Sun, 04-24-2011 - 12:07am

I am 44 and recently had emdr therapy which brought up memories of 4 separate rapes that I had pushed deep down inside for a number of years. The first 2 occurred in 1981, the 3rd in 1985, and the 4th in 1987. I can't come to terms with this. I feel filthy, disgusted, ashamed, worthless. My tdoc has been very supportive telling me it is no way my fault. I can see one or maybe even 2, but 4? I've got to be doing something to bring this on! I feel so raw inside right now and I don't know what to do with it. I'm not a crier. I only cry when someone dies. So how do I get rid of it?

Foggy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 04-25-2011 - 1:43pm

Shannon and Brenda,

Thank you for your support. My T keeps telling me it's a good thing that this has come up, as she feels the assaults are the root of my issues. She assures me that when she gets back from her vacation we will set to work on all of this right away. It's just what to do in the meantime that has me spinning. I have so much going on in my life right now that led me to my break-point. I asked her about EMDR because I needed something to work and I did not want to go back on meds. She told me at the point I asked that I was not stable enough for that process and she would be negligent to try it. Then, on its own, a very disturbing memory surfaced on its own. I told her about it, and then something else surfaced from my past. Realizing the stuff was starting to surface on its own, she decided to try the EMDR to try to get a handle on whatever she felt was at the bottom of all of this. The bad thing was the timing of all of this. She had already scheduled a vacation that coincided with my follow-up. Prior to all of this surfacing, she had me checking in daily because of where I was. Once this surfaced, and she knew she was leaving town, the check-ins were increased to twice a day, plus an occasional third if she decided to call me in between. I went away for a few days to the beach by myself. In the past it has been very therapeutic, so I thought it might help. Unfortunately, it didn't. All of the memories that had surfaced the previous week and all the feelings that accompanied them only got more intense.

I went back on meds about a month or so ago due to the issues I was having before all this surfaced. One of the meds worked, the other still hasn't done a thing. The depression is getting the best of what was left of me when everything started in January, and then with everything that surfaced a week ago. I just feel so lost right now and don't know which way to turn. And that, in the past, has been a very bad place to be. Anyway, thanks for listening.

Foggy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Sun, 04-24-2011 - 10:06pm

Hi welcome to the board, my name is Brenda and I am the cl here.

Like Shannon said NONE of this is your fault.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
Sun, 04-24-2011 - 2:54am

None of this is your fault dear.