To Be or Not to Be

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2013
To Be or Not to Be
5
Sat, 08-10-2013 - 7:19pm

I need to go back to my shrink, but I've been putting it off.  Honestly, I'm having dental problems and I can't go out until it's fixed (in a few days), which has me even lower.  I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a young teen (I'm 34 now) and had a few half-hearted attempts.  I have bipolar, depression, and social anxiety.  I'm on disablity and therefore make very little money.  That brings up more than one problem, as it's hard to afford care and, since I make so little, it's hard to afford much of anything.  My mother still supports me and I don't see that ending.  I also keep going back to bulimia, which has been a problem for nearly 20 years.  I was doing really well the past few months, but I'm slipping.  I also have other health problems and I feel like I'll never feel good again.

Having said all that, here's my delimma:  half the time I want to kill myself, and half the time I'm terrified of dying.  It's really disconcerting.  Does anyone else have this issue?  How do you work through it?  The worst part is being afraid to die.  I'm used to the suicidal thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2013
Thu, 08-15-2013 - 8:14am

In my opinion you should probably try to get back to the doctor. You might need your meds tweaked. I go back and forth with the suicide and death thing too but have found that a new hormone I am taking helps. I don't know why either. I've come to the conclusion that maybe I am preoccupied with death and dwell on it too much.

Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2013
Sun, 08-25-2013 - 9:12am

Thank you for your response.  I'm still having death wishes.  I saw my psychiatrist last week and he changed my meds, but so far it hasn't helped.  I go back on Tuesday an if things aren't any better, he wants to put me in the hospital.  I live with my mother (though I'm an adult) and she's watching my every move.  I'll consider asking my shrink about hormone therapy.  I never thought of that.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Mon, 09-09-2013 - 10:04am

I just read your post, I have no idea how I missed your post when you first came to the board.  

Sorry about that, and welcome to our board!!  I am glad you stopped by and shared.

Since you posted, have you seen your doctor?  If you did, what did he/she say?

Please please seek immediate help if you feel you are going to attempt suicide.  You can call 911, you can go to the ER, and/or you can call the Suicide Hotline:   1-800-273-8255   Please talk to someone in person.  We are always here as well if you need someone to lean on and listen.

Are you still feeling suicidal?  I will write more soon, I am wondering how you are doing today?

We are here, please don't give up.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2013
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 12:38pm

Thank you for responding.  My psychiatrist wanted to put me in the hospital, but I refused.   I might change my mind.  The thought fkiling myself crosses my mind daily.  He changed my medications around, but it hasn't helped much.  I see him again this week and will talk to him about another change in meds.  I've tried so many, though, that I'm not sure if anything will really work.

Thanks to the people on this board for being there for each other.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Mon, 09-16-2013 - 4:22pm

Your welcome.  I am glad you posted.  I understand what your saying about the medication.  I am in the same boat.  I also see my dr. this week and I sapose I will ask about trying Abilify again.  It seems to help, but the side effects for me were so bad for me last time we tried it.  I also don't know if anything works anymore.  Sometimes I wonder if it is my hormones, know what I mean?

How are you doing today?