I keep trying but it always ends up the same
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|Wed, 11-21-2012 - 5:47pm|
I know I keep saying I will stay in touch and I never do and I feel stupid to even come to you all again to reach out for support. I am not even sure anyone can help me. I am extremely suicidal and I want my life to be different. I do not truly want to die, but it almost seems as though it is the only answer. I am extremely unhappy. I have a husband that does not care that I am unhappy. He knows I hate where we live, the state mostly. I also do not like living with his mother, brother and his son. They are all so unhealthy and drive me crazy. I just want to end it all. Hubby told me no way is he moving anywhere. He likes his job that pays him too little for us to make it, but he likes it. I know liking your job is important. My needs are not important because I am just a disabled nothing. I have no one and the person I depend on to help me and to get me to a place where I can get health care and find some happiness and peace refuses to care enough to move to a place I want to go to. So, I have a couple plans in how I am going to end it when I get the courage to do so. I get closer and closer to ending it. I have talked to him until I am blue in the face and to him, I am a bitch for even asking him to move and get another job. He is the boss, well second in command at a painting company, that pays him $13 an hour and he runs himself to death trying to make money and we see nothing better happening for us. I guess I am either stuck in a place I do not like and need to suck it up, or kill myself. There is so much more that I do not even have the strength to type about. I have sacraficed so much for him, more than I have for anyone, and I feel punched and kicked in the stomach for his betrayal of not caring how I feel and not wanting to make the changes to make me happier and to get better health care. Yet, he claims he loves me so much and could not imagine his life without me. I am all he has, yet, he would rather impress his boss, and everyone else and make me last on the list. Maybe I am being ungrateful, I do not know. But I do know what I have sacrficed and I know that was my choice, but it still hurts to have someone who will not sacrafice back for you. It is not that he is all bad to me. I just cannot function in a town where there is nothing. I am disabled with chronic pain and cannot work. I guess he does not understand how out of control that feels, to not be able to work and support yourself. He is always ok as long as I support him and do not complain, but when I talk about how unhappy I am, he says, he is not talking about it. That hurts a lot. He is all I have left to depend on and I do not like that I cannot depend on him to move me to a place that will benefit us both better. So, when I am gone, dead, he will not have anything at all to worry about.